Time again for a Slice Horoscope.
This is the only zodiac column written by someone who might have stood behind you in a grocery store checkout line.
As always, I guarantee this astrological forecast to be as accurate as any other.
Aries: Others seek your opinion today, assuming that you agree with them.
Taurus: Today is not the day to make a big decision. Yesterday was.
Gemini: You will be granted three wishes.
Cancer: Check your zipper.
Leo: Go ahead with your plan to host a New Year’s Eve party.
Virgo: You will receive good news today.
Libra: Congratulations! As of today, you are now officially invisible to members of the opposite sex.
Scorpio: Your butt looks fine in that outfit.
Sagittarius: Your New Year’s resolution should be to accept yourself for who you are.
Capricorn: You should be aware that everyone who matters likes you.
Aquarius: At your age, it’s time to face the fact that you are never going to make people forget Bobby Orr.
Pisces: Be prepared to say, “Look, if you just can’t handle the fact that we disagree about public policy, you can go to blazes.”
Spartacus: Don’t wait for 2013 to start taking better care of your teeth.
Leviticus: Co-workers will respond to your ideas with fake enthusiasm.
Nougat: No one will laugh when you say, “So, did you have a nice Boxing Day on Wednesday?”
Succotash: Distance yourself from time-wasting idiots.
Lumbago: Plan to say “No, I’m watching the Who Cares Bowl.”
Woohoo: Don’t eat so fast – you’ll choke.
Lebowski: Don’t shoot your eye out.
Zagacus: This might be a good day to let go of a grudge. Or not.
Spokanthrax: Stop blaming Spokane for things that are your fault.
Ramalammadingdong: Drive a little slower in residential areas.
Boog Powell: Stop trying to have sex with LinkedIn connection strangers.
Mikado: Your morals will be declared particularly correct.
Today’s Slice question: We all know about a herd of antelope, a murder of crows, a school of fish and so on. But what’s the collective noun for multiple Subaru Outbacks?