February 14, 2012 in Features

The Slice: You can Polk fun at it all you want

By The Spokesman-Review
 

What if the Evergreen State had a different president’s name?

Sure, George Washington was great. But let’s consider.

Adams: We’d have to keep saying “No, not the one the beer is named after.”

Jefferson: Being a Jeffersonian would sound pretty good.

Madison: The other states would say “Sounds like you’re a middle school girl.”

Monroe: We could manufacture doctrines.

Jackson: Everyone could collect $20 bills.

Van Buren: We could have an official state “Seinfeld” episode.

Harrison: We could play Beatles songs and be known as “the quiet state.”

Tyler: “Walla Walla, Tyler” just doesn’t sound right.

Polk: People might move to Idaho when “Polk Salad Annie” becomes the state song.

Taylor: Eastern Taylor University is located in Cheney, Taylor.

Fillmore: Our part of the state could be the Fillmore East, which sounds sort of rocking.

Pierce: Well, at least there is no Pierce, D.C.

Buchanan: No, we wouldn’t want that.

Lincoln: An honor.

Johnson: See “Buchanan.”

Grant: Send a case of whatever we’re drinking to the other 49 states.

Hayes: “Spokane, Hayes” sounds like cause for a burning ban.

Garfield: Most overrated comics page presence in history.

Arthur: It would be kind of fun to be an Arthurian.

Cleveland: Seattleites would wince at how déclassé that sounds. So it has that going for it.

Slice answer (how cosmopolitan are we, on a scale of 1 to 10): “Spokane warrants a 4 and, although there is no such place as North Idaho, I’d give northern Idaho a minus 2,” wrote Ted Redman.

How Family Phrases are Born Department: A grade school-age boy in Shirley Stephenson’s extended family was sent to the store for cottage cheese. “He called back and wondered if we wanted ‘large crud’ or ‘small crud.’ ”

One thing Katie Delderfield’s parents found behind a wall during remodeling: A pair of women’s panties.

Today’s Slice question: When you were in grade school, did you use shoe boxes to make special mailboxes for Valentine’s Day cards?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Sometimes you’re tempted to vote a certain way but can’t because you don’t like the company you’d be keeping.

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