Before you move in, have porn talk

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of two years and I are moving in together. We are both 30. This has been a wonderful relationship with very few disagreements.

My one big concern is that he looks at porn. He is very secretive about it, but I have walked in on him a few times watching it and have seen it on the computer. It literally makes me ill.

I have always considered myself sexually open, and I believe he is satisfied with our sex life. I have told him how I feel about porn, but he continues to watch it. I know most guys and girls view porn differently. Do I need to just get over it? – Torn on Porn

Do you want to get over it?

Porn questions are often misleading, because they fall into the tar pit of “should.” Should people stop using porn? Just paired-off people? Should their disapproving mates just get over it?

It’s interesting debate fuel, and useful for individual choice. But when it comes to living with someone else’s choices, it’s best to abandon the shoulds and stick to what is.

Is your boyfriend willing to stop using porn? If unwilling, can you love, trust and accept someone who sneaks porn – and if willing, can you love, trust and accept someone who at any given time isn’t using porn only because you asked him not to?

Until you’re sure where you stand, don’t move in with him. Sorting this out will be hard enough without the potential agony of moving out to cloud your thinking.

If you do start (or stumble into) the “should” conversation, then try approaching it as a true-or-false question: If you believe an industry is so unsafe or dishonorable that you wouldn’t offer up yourself to work in it, then you shouldn’t use the products of that industry.

Cool thing is, this works not just for porn, but for meatpacking, contact sports, mining, art, education, pubs, multinationals, politics, you name it. Discuss.