The Slice: Teaching manners, one sleeve at a time

There are a lot of young men around here who don’t know how to help a woman on with her coat.

We have worse problems. But this ineptitude makes Spokane look like a jerkwater town.

In any event, it’s a fixable problem.

You see it over and over at this time of year. Some young squire will hold a coat behind a woman’s back and then invite her to blindly flail about in search of the sleeve opening.

Guys, listen up. You aren’t bullfighters. Don’t just hold out the coat, let it hang slack and call it good. You need to actively guide the sleeve opening toward the feminine hand gracefully reaching back.

Then, once docking has been achieved, give the garment an almost imperceptible tug to help it envelop the lady’s arm. (This is not the occasion to demonstrate your manly strength.)

Lather, rinse and repeat.

It’s easy, once you get the hang of it. You’ll know you are doing it right if the lady is smiling when she turns around. (One exception would be occasions punctuated by “Get my coat, we’re leaving,” when all bets are off.)

Anyway, you are doing it wrong if you hear any of the following:

“Ow ow ow.”

“My arm! My arm!”

“Little help?”

“Why do you have your hand there?”

“Are you trying to cause a rotator cuff injury?”

“It seems like the metaphorical implications of your incompetence would embarrass you.”

Of course, some guys don’t even bother trying to assist a lady with her coat. This is usually attributable to one of five causes.

1. The man in question doesn’t know any better.

2. The man feels certain the woman would interpret his offer of assistance as a sexist, patriarchal denial of her self-actualized personhood.

3. The couple’s social philosophy could be summarized this way: “Etiquette? We don’t need no stinkin’ etiquette.”

4. When donning a coat or jacket, the woman likes to do her version of the overhead flap performed by President Bartlet in “The West Wing.”

5. The guy seldom emerges from the basement.

Today’s Slice question: Who would you not thank in your Oscars acceptance speech?