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The Slice: Don’t count out mass migration to Toyland

What happens to the stuffed animals that wind up in various Spokane area lost and found bins?

A) They sue the city and score huge settlements. B) Their spirits leave their corporeal beings and then, after checking on the kids who lost them (to make sure they are OK), they drift away to stuffed animal heaven where they frolic forever with children who died young. C) They enter a state of deep hibernation.

D) They lay low during the day. But then, after all the people have gone home, they party like it’s 1999. E) They try to get out of jury duty. F) They telepathically send secret messages to their children, assuring the kids that they are all right.

G) Road trip. H) After-hours pub crawls. I) They watch old prison movies.

J) All the cookies you can eat. K) Bears vs. bunnies chess tournament. L) They spend a lot of their time applying for grants.

M) Many take online courses offered by schools with animal mascots. N) They take the cowl and live out their lives as monks. O) They post a lot of online comments, parodying knee-jerk political polarization.

P) Well, Saturday is pizza night. Q) Each memorizes a classic children’s story, along the lines of the rebels in “Fahrenheit 451.” R) They stage rollicking revivals of classic Broadway musicals.

S) They watch “Born Free” every night. T) They act out “Downton Abbey.” U) They don’t get mad. They get even.

V) They complain about the management at the organization housing the lost and found. W) They spend a lot of time playing dress-up and trying on new outfits. X) They become part of a great metaphysical continuum of stuffed toys who helped generations of children feel safe, secure and munched.

Y) You know that power they have that allows them to convince house cats that stuffed animals are no more real than, say, a pillow on the couch? Well, they use that same magic to ensure that, no matter what happens, nothing will ever hurt them and the bond they have with their children will never be broken. Z) Other.

Re: Tuesday’s Slice: Readers’ suggestions about movies that make real-life dental appointments seem tame can be found at the Slice Blog at

Today’s Slice question: What was the name of your favorite stuffed animal?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email There actually is an expert on the subject of Spokane Indians players who made it to the majors and his name is Jim Price.

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