Let’s be honest here: Nobody outside of New England – which somehow combines angst and arrogance when it comes to its sporting interests – wants to see the Red Sox or the Patriots take home another World Series or Super Bowl title ever. Nobody. Which forces most of us into the unusual and uncomfortable position of rooting for a New York/New Jersey sports team next weekend.
I hope at least it’s a great game because, otherwise, the only thing that could make Giants-Patriots a more painful viewing experience would be if they invite Steven Tyler to sing “God Bless America” at halftime.
Alas, I will be sofa-bound with the rest of you, so, as a public service, I am here to provide my 46th annual Super Bowl Viewing Guide (for Super Bowl Parties of Six or More):
This is a rematch of Super Bowl 42. That was the season the Patriots went 19-0 – oh, check that; I forgot about David Tyree.
This is the biggest pizza day in America. On Super Sunday, we consume more pizza than the nations of Italy, Greece and Romania did from the 15th century to the 18th century.
The game will be televised by NBC. That’s the network that used to have a lot of shows everyone watched. I think it’s Channel 4 in most areas.
Madonna – yes, the ageless Madonna – will be Super Bowl 46’s halftime entertainment. Time always stops on Super Sunday. If Gypsy Rose Lee were still alive, she’d be doing the coin toss at Super Bowl 47.
The game is in Indianapolis, which, at the moment, is about midway through winter. I have nothing against Indianapolis – lovely town; wished I lived there. And I have nothing against Detroit or Minneapolis, which also have dome-hosted Super Bowls. But the Super Bowl has become a weeklong holiday for those going, and people generally prefer their resort venues to be, you know, NOT SO COLD. Just play the game in San Diego or New Orleans or Biosphere 2, for crying out loud. P.S. Say hello to East Rutherford for Super Bowl 48 in February 2014!
If the Patriots win, it will be conclusive evidence that coach Bill Belichick truly is a “genius.” We might even find out he’s the love child of Stephen Hawking and Marie Curie. Who can question his vast intellect? Against the Broncos two weeks ago, clinging to a 45-10 lead with three minutes to go, Belichick had Tom Brady quick-kick on third-and-10. Now, that’s GENIUS.
That’s a reminder – don’t turn your dial if the Patriots turn the game into a rout. The Patriots will keep throwing deep and quick-kicking even if it’s 73-0.
The Patriots might be the NFL’s luckiest team in the 21st century. First they get the unspeakable Tuck Rule Reversal 10 years ago in an AFC divisional playoff game and now they get Pro Bowl-caliber kicker Billy Cundiff missing a 32-yard field goal wide left by about 32 feet in last week’s AFC championship game. Both of those unworldly acts cancel out David Tyree.
Speaking of the Tuck Rule – and I know what I’m about to say will fall on deaf ears again – replay’s gotta go. First let me remind folks how tough it is for officials with replay hanging over them – in what other job is there video review of your work every 45 seconds? Anyway, let’s assume that, in the course of an average lifetime, replay calls even out. Since we’re only on this Earth for a short period, let’s just live by the rulings on the field and move on; less stress, more recreational time for all!
By the way, the Super Bowl referee will be John Parry. Thankfully, no Ed Hochuli – his explanations alone would push Super Sunday into Big Monday.
Apparently, these Patriots run a no-huddle offense off the field as well. The quarterback (Tom Brady) is married to a supermodel. The wide receiver (Wes Welker) is engaged to a former Miss Hooters International. The tight end (Rob Gronkowski) hangs out with an adult film star. I guess that’s why they’re called “skill positions.”
Frankly, I’m tired of watching Patriots owner Robert Kraft hugging people in the rich-people’s box. Just sayin’.
Have I mentioned I’m rooting for the Giants? I hope this doesn’t gum up my application process into purgatory.
Ask The Slouch
Q. You’re big on sports run amok – does Prince Fielder’s nine-year, $214 million deal seem a little amok to you? (Geoff Hirsch; Salt Lake City)
A. It’s a free market, my friend. What seems amok is he still gets the MLB-standard $106 daily meal allowance.
Q. To avoid confusion, have you ever thought about designating your marriages with Roman numerals? (Curtis Bare; Charlottesville, Va.)
A. No, but my ex-wives stand left to right – in order of length of service – during reunions.
Q. How long before Charles Barkley jumps off the Weight Watchers bandwagon? (Darrell Abdullah; New Carrollton, Md.)
A. As soon as the checks stop clearing.
Q. Do you think if Scott Boras were your agent, we’d all actually have to pay you $1.25 each week just to read your column? (Vince Coppola; Green Island, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.