Hi, Carolyn: My girlfriend has secrecy issues. She rarely tells me what she is doing or has done. If I ask her a question, she will analyze my words and tell me I did not ask in the correct way so she won’t answer. I then change the question, but she tells me only the first question counts. Then she gets angry and I apologize. All this happens over the phone because I am in the States and she is in Asia. (I plan to move to her city soon.)
She says she has obsessive-compulsive disorder so I have to be careful what I say. Once her OCD kicks in, it takes her a long time to be happy again, so I always end up acquiescing.
I love my girlfriend so I always end up apologizing, but I really think I am not doing the right thing by letting this issue pass by. Even when I am with her, she gives me the silent treatment when she does not want to answer questions. Am I letting her bully me? – H.
When is feeling bad not a sign of something important?
With columns on a similar topic recently, this is Chapter 3 of “The Blind Men and the Elephant” – and the elephant is abuse.
The prior columns involved jealousy and criticism as forms of control. You’ve spelled out exactly how a person uses emotional volatility as a weapon in a relationship.
Every eggshell-walk sounds the same: You … “have to be careful what I say”; “always end up acquiescing”; “always end up apologizing.” Surely you’re more than a biped engine of appeasement? Yet you apparently can’t even express your true feelings, much less offer ideas. Where is your license to be you?
You say you love your girlfriend, and I can only take you at your word. What is clear, though – crystal – is that with her, you don’t love yourself.
That’s a problem you don’t relocate overseas to amplify. It’s one you take to the best local counseling you can manage.