The Slice: To the Tick Tock

It’s natural on Mondays to wonder how your just-completed weekend stacks up.

But until now, this has involved swapping eyes-glazing stories with friends or co-workers and arriving at some unspoken understanding about who had the best time. This competition always has been a bit unsatisfying because it is so subjective.

Well, say goodbye to opinion and guesswork. Bid farewell to uncertainty.

And say hello to The Slice’s Tick Tock Table of Weekend Excellence.

Based on an appreciation of our outdoors-loving Inland Northwest lifestyles, this handy guide allows you to precisely measure weekend fabulousness.

How? It’s easy. Just …

It’s natural on Mondays to wonder how your just-completed weekend stacks up.

But until now, this has involved swapping eyes-glazing stories with friends or co-workers and arriving at some unspoken understanding about who had the best time. This competition always has been a bit unsatisfying because it is so subjective.

Well, say goodbye to opinion and guesswork. Bid farewell to uncertainty.

And say hello to The Slice’s Tick Tock Table of Weekend Excellence.

Based on an appreciation of our outdoors-loving Inland Northwest lifestyles, this handy guide allows you to precisely measure weekend fabulousness.

How? It’s easy. Just count the number of ticks removed from yourself, your family and your dog between Friday afternoon and Sunday night.

Then simply compare your tally to the Tick Tock Table and rate yourself.

No more indecisive Monday morning one-upmanship. Now there’s a clear, concise way to come up with a ruling about who had the best weekend.

“We had a great time. It was a 20-tick weekend.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, ours was mind-blowing. Talking 80 ticks.”

So now, in the spirit of scratch-yourself celebration, here is the Tick Tock Table.

500 ticks or more: You are living large. Less-infested mortals bow before you and salute your right to say that you owned the weekend.

499-400 ticks: No one can say that you are not going out and getting after it. The Elvis movie “Wild in the Country” should have been about you.

399-300 ticks: No flies on you – just a bunch of bloodsucking parasites. Well done.

299-100 ticks: Not bad. You met the weekend head on, and it tried to bury itself in your soft flesh.

99-50 ticks: Try not to spend so much time indoors.

49-10 ticks: Were you bed-ridden?

9-1 ticks: There’s always next weekend.

Zero ticks: Apparently you failed to read the Living in the Spokane Area Lifestyle Contract.

Slice answer (Little Bighorn weddings): “We weren’t married at the battlefield,” wrote Rhonda Higgins. “However, my husband and I were married on June 25, the anniversary of the battle. I’ve always felt rather smug about this. I’m partly of Native American descent and my husband is purebred white boy.”

Today’s Slice question: What about Spokane doesn’t need fixing?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Vicki Elmore Lingow thinks “Wrestling room” would be a good scent for a man candle.