The Slice: It’s all about being classy on the last day of school

Today The Slice presents a transcript of an interview with the only adult in the Spokane area who does not claim to have perpetrated some mind-blowing stunt on the last day of school way back when.

You won’t believe what this person had to say.

Q. So were you pretty timid as a kid?

A. Oh, no. I did all the normal stuff. How should I put it? Let’s just say nothing in the 1993 movie “Dazed and Confused” shocked me.

Q. So is it just that you were not very creative?

A. I didn’t regard vandalism or making trouble for my teachers – almost all of whom were decent people – as especially creative.

Q. Well, when people start swapping stories about last-day antics, what do you have to contribute to the conversation?

A. Sometimes I will cheerfully interject “That’s total BS – you didn’t do that” or I might say “Blowing up toilets, now there’s a meaningful expression of rebellious spirit.” On occasion, I just say “Woo-hoo!”

Q. You sound bitter. Why?

A. I am not bitter. And I was not a humorless grind. I just know too many alleged adults who claim to have been wild and crazy guys.

Q. Why do you doubt them?

A. Because I was there. Sure, people did lots of little stuff. You know, stupid and futile gestures. Some of it was actually kind of funny. But this notion that everyone stuck it to the man or challenged authority in some epic way is absurd. Setting off a fire alarm or rolling stink bombs into the gym doesn’t make you a teenage hero.

Q. What does?

A. Watching out for the interests of unpopular, vulnerable classmates. Standing up to bullies. Helping to debunk the myth that there would be anything even remotely romantic or legendary about the sort of violent acts at schools that make the evening news. Encouraging kids to talk to a school counselor if it seems as though things might be seriously bad at home. That sort of thing.

Q. But don’t students have a right to blow off a little steam on the last day of school?

A. Look, kids will be kids. What I find sad are adults who resent growing up. I hope my glory days are still ahead of me.

Today’s Slice question: What local business has the biggest age span between the youngest full-time employee and the oldest?