Summer has burst upon Spokane once again, infecting most adults with the annual urge to toss family members into the car and drive straight to an exotic cultural destination like Disneyland or Vegas.
Not so fast, my friends.
If you bothered to examine your bank account once in a while, you’d know your vacation plans are as remote as ever seeing Bigfoot or the completion of the north-south freeway.
(If only John F. Kennedy had challenged the nation to finish this highway project instead of that moon jaunt. Getting to Deer Park would be so much more convenient.)
There’s a reason why so many of you are staying put this summer.
It’s all centered on The Economy, an insidious force nobody understands, least of all the president and Congress.
What is known is that a combination of dyspeptic stock market conditions and way too much Gordon Ramsay have led to an economic crisis where most Americans are barely able to afford necessities like food, scratch tickets and a quality cable TV sports package.
But here’s where I come to the rescue.
Today I’m offering ONE LUCKY READER the opportunity of a lifetime.
I’m talking about a chance to ride shotgun in my 1967 Oldsmobile Vista Guzzler as we travel to wild and crazy …
That’s right. At a mutually acceptable date, we will leave Spokane for this less-regulated land where Republicans outnumber the wood ticks.
First stop is the bawdy hamlet of Stateline, where we will skip the strip joint and focus instead on a certain convenience store where I will buy my contest winner a jumbo box of that “banned in nanny Washington” Cascade dish soap.
Then it’s off to Post Falls for a cheap booze run.
(Sorry. Due to editor concerns, the winner must spring for his or her own hooch.)
Once we’re loaded with suds and liquor, we will aim for Coeur d’Alene, where we will gorge on Hudson’s hamburgers.
(Yep, I’m buying. Just don’t embarrass me by trying to order fries, or you’ll find yourself walking back to Spokane.)
Right now you’re probably asking:
“Which city council member do I have to hit with a cream pie in order to get in on this wondrous voyage?”
Although that’s a delicious image to imagine, the Clarkation requirements do not involve any hurled desserts.
Just convince me in email or letter as to why you think you’re worthy of such an honor.
Send your responses via the contact information below. Letters can be mailed to me in care of the paper. If you can’t find the address, don’t bother entering.
I do have several requirements of my own, however:
• All entrants should be felony free, especially in the arenas of cannibalism, window peeping and/or grave robbing.
• All entrants should bathe regularly and use deodorant.
• All entrants should believe in the All-American joys of burger eating and dishwashing with phosphates.
• Oh, yeah. And all entrants should be articulate or engaging enough to keep the driver’s mind off all the premium gas he’s burning in that damned Vista Guzzler.