Considerate guest cleans one’s mess

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a considerate guest assists their host by going after flies with a rolled-up magazine, is the guest also responsible for removing the smashed fly goo from the walls and furniture?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Under the circumstances, one cannot expect the flies to clean up after themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A lifelong friend recently got married (for the third time). The couple requested no gifts, but some of her closest friends (including me) left a few things on the table at the community center where the wedding took place.

It was a very informal affair, a ’50s-style wedding with ’50s music and dancing. I framed an old 78 rpm record of Elvis Presley that I had held onto for 50 years and gave it as a wedding present.

No thank-you or even acknowledgment or comment about whether she hated or liked it has been forthcoming. To me this is most hurtful, and I can’t seem to let it go. It makes me feel like I’m inconsequential in her life. I’m torn between commenting on it or not.

Isn’t it better manners to just let it go, or should I say something? I mean, this hurts.

GENTLE READER: How about drying your tears, pulling yourself together, and asking your friend if she received that present?

Although this is the approved way of shaming delinquent brides, it might also be a way of finding out if you caused your own hurt. Miss Manners has no sympathy whatsoever for thankless brides, but there are times when the giver is at fault.

As she keeps trying to teach wedding guests, presents should be sent to the home, never brought to the wedding. Couples who are in the act of being married have no opportunity to deal with them there and then. Boxes left lying around in a public place get lost or even stolen, and often the cards fall off.

So please ask about it in a non-accusatory way. You should then either elicit an apology or realize that you owe one.