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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Miss Manners: Best response to his request is outrage

Judith Martin Universal Uclick

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a male acquaintance who has tried to get me into private and intimate situations, despite my saying “no” many, many times. I constantly hear stories from my female friends about men continuing to throw themselves at them, no matter how many times these ladies say they are not interested. In these cases, the young men are not asking us out on dates; they are asking us to engage in casual sexual activities.

I do not think these men are trying to sexually harass us, although we do feel sexually harassed. These men are simply used to young women being willing to engage in casual sexual encounters with them.

In my own experience, when I have responded with a polite “No, thank you,” the young man chuckles indulgently. He genuinely does not understand that I am not playing a game.

I want him to take his answer like a gentleman. When an increasingly stern “No, thank you” is not working, what is a young lady to say that will stop his undesired attention?

GENTLE READER: “No, thank you” is the proper response for declining a cup of tea or some other gracious or benevolent offer. It is not the proper response to a lewd proposition.

The proper response is, “How dare you!”

Now stop giggling. The reason this amuses you is that you don’t blame those who ask because their propositions are sometimes accepted. In that case, you should not be insulted, as perhaps you are not. You complain only of the repetition, as if this is equivalent to the annoyance of a host who keeps pressing you to take a cookie after you have declined.

Miss Manners suggests that you pay more attention to your feelings of being sexually harassed. Consider whether the assumption that you, who consider yourself a lady of propriety, will engage in sex with anyone who asks – to the extent that your refusals could not possibly be serious – constitutes an insult.

Then respond to it as an insult.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.