Watch, wait to see if he is good

Dear Carolyn: I have been seeing a wonderful gentleman for over a year now. He is committed to maintaining a friendship with his ex.

My dilemma is that while we have been dating, his ex-wife has indicated to him that she will always love him. I feel like the line of conversation is disrespectful to me. I have discussed my discomfort with him, and he maintains there is little he can do about it because he “can’t control what she does or how she feels.”

They recently planned to catch up over coffee. He invited me to introduce me to her. However, I was soon disinvited because she said she would like it to just be the two of them.

I am hurt that he is still willing to pursue a friendship with her when he knows it hurts me. Am I expecting too much? – Feeling Disrespected

Facts are funny things. I can see these facts – assuming their accuracy – from your perspective, and agree that he’s a little too cozy with his ex. The disinvitation and his “What can I do?!” are suspicious, if not damning.

Or, I can shift my perspective and see nothing inappropriate. They were married, they’re friends now, and her ongoing love would be entirely unremarkable in an honest and free-ranging conversation. Since I can’t say definitively who (if anyone) is in the wrong here, and since you’ve got the “If you really loved me” goggles on – very bad for one’s judgment – I suggest:

(1) Wait. (2) See.

A person’s value isn’t in the way he treats you; it’s in the way he treats everyone. So, think beyond your borders and consider whether his choices are kind to the ex.

Does he try to be good to everyone? Is it decency or pandering? Does overindulging his ex fit with who he is, or is it exceptional? Does he show different faces? Watch, listen, wait.

I bet you have this knowledge about him already, or most of it. Let it tell you whether your concern – about the ex, about him – is well-placed.