The Slice: Fun with phlegm


A tribute to seasonal allergy sufferers

Inland Northwest residents who suffer from seasonal allergies tend to have mixed feelings about the approach of spring.

These folks know all about shots and antihistamines. Such tactics can help. But what they really need is musical accompaniment to help them face the airborne onslaught headed their way.

So today The Slice presents a Spring is Coming Quiz. See if you can identify the following snippets of old TV show theme songs, rewritten to honor those for whom the buds and blooms are a harbinger of misery.

1. They call him Phlegmy, Phlegmy, faster than lightning.

No one you see, is more stopped-up than he.

2. Here’s the story of a wheezy lady.

Who was bringing up three very clogged-up girls.

3. Who is the tall, dark stranger there?

Claritin is the name.

4. Who can spray the office with her sneeze?

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem mucoid?

5. Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.

Though the sinuses are swollen.

6. Nosestones. Meet the Nosestones.

They’re the modern springtime family.

7. Discharge , exciting and new.

Cough it up, we’re expecting you.

8. Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale.

A tale of a fateful drip.

9. A snort is a snort, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a snort, of course.

10. Come and listen to a story about a man name Phlegm.

A poor mountain wheezer, barely kept his airways fed.

11. Green hankies is the fate I see.

Farm livin’ll be the death of me.

12. Hello world, hear the song that we’re singin’.

C’mon get phlegmy.

13. Sunday, Monday, sinus days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, sinus days.

14. They’re viscous and they’re kooky.

Mysterious and goopy.

15. Here we come.

Sniffing down your street.

16. Meet Cathy, who’s sneezed most everywhere.

From in the car to on your hair.

17. Daniel Boone was a man. Yes, a congested man.

With an eye like a faucet and as clogged as a Spokanite was he.

If you cannot identify some of those TV themes and actually care, the answers are on The Slice Blog at www.spokesman.com.

Today’s Slice question: If you had a do-over on high school, what would you change?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Few bomber jackets are the real thing.

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