March 17, 2012 in Features

The Slice: As long as mug is frosty, beer gets equal opportunity

By The Spokesman-Review
 

We all know today is green beer’s big day.

But what about other colors? Do they feel left out? Maybe some of them should get a chance to shine in a frosty mug, too.

So, if green beer says St. Patrick’s Day, what would beer in other colors signify?

Taupe: Winter is coming.

Azure: Time to toast the vernal equinox.

Burnt umber: Imbibe beneath a glowing harvest moon.

Magenta: Pretend that you are slaking your thirst with the cold blood of your enemies.

Ecru: Order up several pitchers and discuss your commitment to muted tones and sustainability.

Cyan: Step up and taste the future.

Pink: Salute being secure about your sexual identity, whatever your sexual identity.

Sienna: To enjoy while belting out rousing songs at a backyard barbecue.

Terra cotta: Keep drinking terra cotta-colored beer until you pass out and can no longer consider a remodeling project.

Flax: “Is this wheat beer or is it just that the glasses were dirty?”

Fuchsia: Perfect for whenever adults gather to play board games.

Puce: Happy Puce Day!

Sepia: To be served whenever and wherever amateur photographers gather to talk about light, mood and capturing the moment.

Chartreuse: To quaff as a celebration of calling in sick.

Lilac: Perfect for pre-Bloomsday beer-loading.

Before teens had their own phones: High school-age boys used to have to talk to a girl’s parents when phoning her. Here’s what they learned.

1. Fathers assume you are up to no good.

2. It’s always a bad time to be calling.

3. Fathers were your age once, so you aren’t fooling them.

4. Mothers assume you are up to no good.

5. “Why are you calling?” can be a tough one to answer if you forget your prepared material about homework.

6. Fathers don’t think you sound like someone who can be trusted.

7. Mothers can react to your request to speak to their daughter as if you called up and said “Hello, I would like to feel up Kathy, please.”

8. Fathers just hope you are better than that last loser.

9. Little sisters in the background love shrieking “It’s that boy!”

10. Fathers enjoy accusing you of mumbling and not speaking up.

Today’s Slice question: Are you old enough to remember telephone party lines?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Maybe next winter will be better for backyard rinks.

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