Boyfriend’s needs might suck her in

Dear Carolyn: I am 20 and my boyfriend is 21, both college juniors. We have been together for three years. He is cute, kind, smart, funny and wants to marry me. My only hesitation is his family. They pick on him constantly. His mother actually said she can’t believe that I would want to be his girlfriend.

He depends on his family for transportation and income. He doesn’t want to say anything that would make them cut off his tuition payments or allowance or not pick him up when he needs a ride.

I am really annoyed that his family treats him like this. I want him to say something, but I understand that he depends on them. – C.

Study hard, work hard, play hard but not recklessly, look out for yourself and your future, stand by your loved ones, graduate, work your way through employment frustrations until you find a stable and promising vocation, and keep doing whatever else you’ve been doing to launch an independent and productive future.

And, give your boyfriend room to do the same.

That’s a favor all couples owe each other, but it’s an essential one for someone with an unsupportive family, health issues, money issues, and just one year left in the protective custody of an institution of higher learning. These next few years have the power to decide whether he gets stuck in the muck of his family or pulls himself out, hand-over-hand, using whatever branch or root he can grab.

Loving him will open you to the temptation to be that branch, and to a certain degree that’s what friends do for each other.

However, his needs put you both dangerously close to the muck, and if you’re not careful, his burdens could swallow you both. Everyone is susceptible to this but young people are in particular, for the simple reasons that idealism peaks in youth, and helping someone feels right and good, whereas standing back while someone struggles feels lousy.