Try to keep family out of name choice

Hi, Carolyn: When my husband and I were first talking about having children, he suggested my mother’s name and his mother’s name (“Elaine Nicole”) or our fathers’ names (“Timothy James”).

Now we are having a little girl, and my mother-in-law has not stopped making comments about how her name has been given as the middle name and my mother’s as the first.

We didn’t give her an explanation for our choice, as we didn’t foresee the “commentary” that would follow. Please help.

– Irritated in California

Truly, there is no limit to the stupid things people will fixate on to convince themselves that they matter. (And persuade others to remain a safe distance away.)

The easiest route here is to choose two nonfamily names for your baby. And, experience should also tell you that the easiest route to this easiest route is to keep the new name to yourself until it’s on the birth certificate. Do gently warn them it’s coming, though: “Oh, nothing’s set in stone. …”

When she hears the baby’s name and (presumably) flips, say simply that using the grandmothers’ names meant someone had to be first and feelings had to get hurt – and so you both thought better of it.

The second-easiest route is to stick with your original name plan and explain your reasoning. Specifically, give your mother-in-law a puzzled look and say, “Well, someone had to be first, so we decided to be fair and do rock-paper-scissors.”

The toughest route here is to treat the subject as open to perpetual discussion. State your case as matter-of-factly as possible – whatever that case may be – and indicate that you meant to honor the mothers, not hurt them. If she presses, then repeat: “I said we meant no harm. To me, the issue is closed.” Ever after, respond to any comments from her with a raised-eyebrow smile and a return of your attention to wherever it was before.