Local news

Clark: Here’s the straight dope on your I-502 questions

Washington voters approved a measure this week to legalize marijuana for recreational use, leaving many in the non-stoner community abuzz with questions.

Fortunately, Answer Man is here today to fill your informational void.

Q: Answer Man, what will pot legalization do to Washington’s reputation?

AM: Well, our days as the Apple State are over.

Q: What’ll we be called now?

AM: The state of Stems and Seeds, I’m afraid.

Q: Doesn’t sound very appealing, huh?

AM: Like the slop served in high school cafeterias, whenever government gets involved you can bet quality will suffer.

Q: Speaking of government, will our attitudinal shift on weed affect future elections?

AM: Ask Gov. Woody Harrelson in four years.

Q: I’m worried about my local dealer, Answer Man. Will legal weed put him out of business?

AM: Don’t worry. Pot will soon be sold at the old state liquor store locations that closed with the privatization of alcohol.

Q: So dealers can work there?

AM: In sales there is always room for criminals with experience.

Q: What do you think the feds will do about Washington weed?

AM: They’ll have to get in line like everyone else.

Q: Marijuana varieties always have catchy names like Acapulco Gold or BC Bud or Colfax Kush. What strain will we have here in the Lilac City?

AM: Spocannabis Green sounds right.

Q: Will legalizing marijuana boost our depressed economy?

AM: Bet on it. Nordstrom, in fact, plans to open a separate Bongwares Department for an exclusive line of pot paraphernalia.

Q: Expensive?

AM: Not if you wait for the yearly Nordstrom Half-Baked Sale.

Q: Any other economic benefits?

AM: There’s plenty of excitement here at the paper. We’re switching from our traditional newsprint to publishing the nation’s first all-hemp edition.

Q: What’s so great about that?

AM: Once you finish reading your Clark column you can roll it up and toke me.

Q: Instead of sticking you under the litter box, like usual?

AM: I’ll tell the jokes here, pal.

Q: Sorry. What’ll you call this new paper?

AM: The Smokesman-Review, of course.

Q: I should’ve known. Think readers will like it?

AM: Well, I don’t think anything will please Howard of Republic.

Q: You mean the guy who keeps leaving phone messages about how much he can’t stand you?

AM: Yeah. My favorite was the one where he said: “I’m just curious with how you’re able to keep your job with all the junk that you put in your article every day.”

Q: Come to think of it, how do you keep your job with all the junk you put in?

AM: Some questions are even beyond Answer Man.

Q: Howard sure seems to read you a lot for a guy who doesn’t like you. Why do you think he keeps calling?

AM: Loneliness and boredom are powerful bedfellows.

Q: Getting back to dope, do you think smokable newspapers can make print journalism relevant again?

AM: The online experiment hasn’t exactly been a ticket to paradise.

Q: What are law enforcement agencies doing to prepare for legalized weed?

AM: The State Patrol has already renamed the freeway “High-90.”

Q: I’m no smoker, so where does that leave me?

AM: The active substance in marijuana can be ingested in many forms besides smoking.

Q: You mean like eating brownies?

AM: Yep. There’s even a holistic version that you can receive at your neighborhood naturopath.

Q: You don’t mean …

AM: Yes, high colonic chronic.

Q: That sounds quite uncomfortable.

AM: It helps to be stoned prior to the procedure.

Q: Can I buy a bong to match the color of the new carpet I just bought?

AM: Absolutely. Bongs, water pipes and other head shop gear come in a variety of shapes, sizes and all colors of the rainbow. Why, some of them even have the logos of your favorite sports team.

Q: WSU?

AM: Why not. The football team has certainly been playing like stoners.

Q: Ouch!

AM: What? You think the coach comparing his lads to zombies is nicer?

Q: Point taken. In all seriousness, though, can any good come out of legalizing weed for recreational use?

AM: One thing’s certain. The decisions coming out of the Spokane mayor’s office will make a lot more sense.

Q: When you’re right, you’re right, Answer Man.

AM: Tell it to cranky Howard of Republic.

Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 ordougc@spokesman.com.


There are 32 comments on this story »



Blogs

PM Scanner Traffic — 7.28.16

2:38 p.m. Unknown Injury (2:26 item) -- Female teen suffered ankle sprain near "rope swing" on Tubbs Hill. 2:31 p.m. Agency Assist (2:18 item) -- "Sovereign Citizen" Constitutionalist won't provide ...


Idaho Rep. Labrador is 6th-poorest member of Congress

Idaho Congressman Raul Labrador is the sixth-poorest member of Congress, according to a comparison by InsideGov.com, with an average net worth, based on his federal financial disclosures, of minus $216,000. ...


Top 21 reasons some here love hot weather

21. California envy. 20. Water recreation. 19. Mental illness. 18. Conducive to frolicsome attire. 17. "I feel the need, the need for chlorine." 16. Have AC and enjoy cranking it ...




Saving for the future

sponsored According to two 2015 surveys, 62 percent of Americans do not have enough savings to handle an unexpected emergency, much less any long-term plans.



Sections


Profile

Contact the Spokesman

Main switchboard:
(509) 459-5000
Customer service:
(800) 338-8801
Newsroom:
(509) 459-5400
(800) 789-0029
Back to Spokesman Mobile