November 13, 2012 in Features

The Slice: Tuning up for a spirited six weeks

By The Spokesman-Review
 

People say, “Paul, how can I endure holiday music without harming myself or others?”

Well, with exactly six weeks until Christmas, let’s address that.

Here are some helpful answers to infrequently asked questions.

Q: Do you hear what I hear?

A: Sure. Everybody does.

Q: Was King Wenceslas, in fact, good?

A: He rocked.

Q: Why does “Linus and Lucy” still get to me?

A: Because it is the seasonal anthem of hope.

Q: What is a Christmas party hop?

A: That’s for consenting adults.

Q: What would happen if you actually did say hello to friends you know and everyone you meet?

A: You’d get looks.

Q: Could I teach my dogs to bark “Jingle Bells” like in that old novelty song?

A: That would be up to your dogs.

Q: Why do I never tire of those Phil Spector/girl groups wall-of-sound yule songs?

A: Because happy anticipation is hidden in your heart.

Q: Is “The hopes and fears of all the years/Are met in thee tonight” great or what?

A: The former.

Q: What exactly is going on in the Beach Boys’ “Little Saint Nick”?

A: Santa is racing for pinks.

Q: What kind of woman is Eartha Kitt portraying in “Santa Baby”?

A: An entrepreneur.

Q: I’m not really religious, so why does “The Holly and the Ivy” move me?

A: Because you realize Christmas isn’t really the idea of some big Eastern syndicate.

Q: Can chipmunks actually sing?

A: Yes, but sometimes you first have to yell “Al-vinnnnnn!”

Q: Does “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” advocate immorality?

A: Morals have nothing to do with it.

Q: What do you think of James Taylor’s version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”?

A: If you are going out with someone and discover that he or she does not like that rendition, you should break up.

Q: Is it racist to laugh at the waiters’ singing of “Deck the Halls” in the “Ralphie” movie?

A: No, it is a tribute to bilingualism.

Q: Sad that Andy Williams is gone, isn’t it?

A: Yeah.

Q: Do you think Bing visualized Spokane when recording “White Christmas”?

A: Of course.

Today’s Slice question: Is one garment in your wardrobe responsible for 90 percent of the clothing compliments you receive?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. You are either young or a newcomer if you don’t remember seeing B-52s flying over Spokane.

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