People say, “Paul, how can I endure holiday music without harming myself or others?”
Well, with exactly six weeks until Christmas, let’s address that.
Here are some helpful answers to infrequently asked questions.
Q: Do you hear what I hear?
A: Sure. Everybody does.
Q: Was King Wenceslas, in fact, good?
A: He rocked.
Q: Why does “Linus and Lucy” still get to me?
A: Because it is the seasonal anthem of hope.
Q: What is a Christmas party hop?
A: That’s for consenting adults.
Q: What would happen if you actually did say hello to friends you know and everyone you meet?
A: You’d get looks.
Q: Could I teach my dogs to bark “Jingle Bells” like in that old novelty song?
A: That would be up to your dogs.
Q: Why do I never tire of those Phil Spector/girl groups wall-of-sound yule songs?
A: Because happy anticipation is hidden in your heart.
Q: Is “The hopes and fears of all the years/Are met in thee tonight” great or what?
A: The former.
Q: What exactly is going on in the Beach Boys’ “Little Saint Nick”?
A: Santa is racing for pinks.
Q: What kind of woman is Eartha Kitt portraying in “Santa Baby”?
A: An entrepreneur.
Q: I’m not really religious, so why does “The Holly and the Ivy” move me?
A: Because you realize Christmas isn’t really the idea of some big Eastern syndicate.
Q: Can chipmunks actually sing?
A: Yes, but sometimes you first have to yell “Al-vinnnnnn!”
Q: Does “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” advocate immorality?
A: Morals have nothing to do with it.
Q: What do you think of James Taylor’s version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”?
A: If you are going out with someone and discover that he or she does not like that rendition, you should break up.
Q: Is it racist to laugh at the waiters’ singing of “Deck the Halls” in the “Ralphie” movie?
A: No, it is a tribute to bilingualism.
Q: Sad that Andy Williams is gone, isn’t it?
Q: Do you think Bing visualized Spokane when recording “White Christmas”?
A: Of course.
Today’s Slice question: Is one garment in your wardrobe responsible for 90 percent of the clothing compliments you receive?