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Doug Clark: Professor Pilgrim is back for another round

Thu., Nov. 22, 2012, midnight

Drop your forks, folks, and make ready for the sixth annual serving of Ask Professor Pilgrim.

Since 2006, this forum has been devoted to answering Thanksgiving questions that an Iron Chef wouldn’t touch with a 12-foot weenie skewer.

Before digging in, however, Professor Pilgrim has been asked to announce the following official closures:

Garbage pickup. City Hall.

The United States v. Karl Thompson Jr.

So on with the learning.

Q: Since you’ve already mentioned Thompson, what do you think the now-imprisoned ex-Spokane cop will be eating this Thanksgiving?

A: Whatever his new cellmate Bubba tells him to eat.

Q: Is Professor Pilgrim serving any special fare this holiday?

A: The Pilgrim household has decided to break tradition and go with a meal of all-breast, no dressing.

Q: In honor of fitness and healthy eating?

A: In honor of Amy Biviano’s 1995 topless “Playboy” photo.

Q: Didn’t voters reject her bid for a 4th District legislative seat?

A: Yes, but she won the hearts of horndogs by a landslide.

Q: Thanksgiving is the nation’s most-traveled holiday. Does Professor Pilgrim have any advice for speeding things up at the airport?

A: Arrive two hours early, at least. And always wear lacy thong underwear.

Q: How can sexy underwear speed things up?

A: It can’t. But watching your TSA screener stammer and gasp will make the ordeal a lot more enjoyable.

Q: Every Thanksgiving my mother-in-law criticizes my food. What can I do to impress the old biddy?

A: I recommend Professor Pilgrim’s special stuffing, which is made from the most sought-after ingredients on Earth.

Q: Truffles and Russian caviar?

A: Twinkies and Ding Dongs.

Q: I don’t know if even Spokane Mayor Condon can afford a Hostess Thanksgiving, and he just pocketed that $60,000-plus raise. Any cheaper ideas?

A: You can whip up a pot of I-502 gravy, if you know what I mean.

Q: You’re talking about marijuana, huh?

A: Yeah. The combination of weed with sleep-inducing turkey will mellow out a wildebeest with jock itch.

Q: You’re a genius, Professor Pilgrim.

A: Tell it to the cheapskates who pay me.

Q: Any Thanksgiving words of encouragement for the less fortunate?

A: I hope they can get back to playing timeless chestnuts by Brahms and Beethoven at The Fox again.

Q: Wait a minute. I meant the homeless. Are you talking about striking members of the Spokane Symphony?

A: There’s nothing sadder than a professional bassoonist shivering on a picket line.

Q: Strike aside, what’ll it take to get the Spokane Symphony to perform “The Nutcracker” this year?

A: Rename it “The Ballbuster” in honor of management. That’d probably do it.

Q: Whataya think of this “Black Thursday” trend that has some major stores opening as early as 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving?

A: I’m all for it. In fact, Professor Pilgrim is using advertisements from Wal-Mart, Sears and Toys R Us as dinner table placemats.

Q: To save money?

A: No, to get some of my bickering dinner guests out of the house faster.

Q: That doesn’t seem very generous, now does it?

A: Easy for you to say. You’re not the fool who thought inviting Mike Leach, Marquess Wilson and Rep. Matt “The Road Rage Republican” Shea to Thanksgiving dinner was a good idea.

Q: That is a rather ornery guest list.

A: Especially with Shea packing more heat than a Montana militia.

Q: Wow. Why so many firearms?

A: He said something about coming from church.

Q: Lord deliver us. Speaking of which, will you say grace before dinner this year?

A: Definitely. We have more than ever to be thankful for.

Q: Really? So what’ll you be praying?

A: Lord, thank you for wiping that smug grin off the face of Carl Oreskovich.

Q: That may be the best prayer in the history of Thanksgiving.

A: Amen, brothers and sisters.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at

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