Doug Clark: Nov. 7 the only cure for electionitis
Thought I was coming down with the flu at first.
Dull headache. Depression. Irritability …
Then I nearly peed myself from laughing hysterically at one of our local political TV ads.
That confirmed it.
What’s ailing me is a whole lot worse than a mere virus.
I’m obviously suffering from a severe case of EFS, or Election Fatigue Syndrome, as medical experts like Dr. Phil or Dr. Scholl would say.
I know I’m not the only victim, either.
There’s an EFS epidemic sweeping across America, I believe, and it’s even more formidable than the Great New York City Bedbug Outbreak of aught nine.
We victims have reached our mental breaking point because of an overexposure to:
• Lying politicians.
• Landscape-cluttering yard signs.
• Yammering candidate debates.
• Political robocalls.
• TV commercials that show Candidate X smiling in radiant color while Candidate Y scowls in grainy black and white with a finger buried up a nostril to the third knuckle.
Yes, I know the election is now just a week away. I’ve put off filling out my mail-in ballot because I know that nothing will be settled no matter what happens.
Losers will simply blame the winners for using more dead voters than they did.
Winners will strut around smirking like obnoxious brats or Joe Biden during his debate with Paul Ryan.
You guessed it. The whole hideous process will start ramping up all over again.
I don’t know if my pants can take another election.
The commercial in question stars Daryl Romeyn, former TV weatherman and noted compost authority, who is looking for a seat on the Spokane County Commission.
I was watching an episode of “Parking Wars” or some other reality show about people behaving badly when the program cut for a break.
Suddenly, there was Romeyn getting behind the wheel of a behemoth old truck. The candidate then revved up the vehicle and proceeded to plow over a couple of flimsy signs that had been crudely painted to say something about taxes.
I wish I could be more specific. But it’s hard to pay attention to little details when you’re struggling to remain continent.
I don’t even know why it struck me so funny.
This train wreck called Election 2012 has obviously messed up my mind.
The sad thing is that I could solve our political problems if the parties would only listen.
We need to jettison this ugly partisan election process.
Under the Clark rotational plan, each candidate would be allowed to serve one full term in the office of his or her choice, followed by an equal number of years in jail.
Right off the bat, my system would have a major benefit in vastly cutting down on the number of candidates.
Until then, I think you all know the moral of today’s message.
Vote for Daryl Romeyn, or good luck crossing the street.
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org.