The Slice: Arrrr you ready for the big day?

‘Talk Like a Pirate Day” is coming up.

Arrrrrrrr your head off, if that amuses you.

But if you are among those who think that particular occasion has played itself out, I have a suggestion.

How about “Talk Like Walter Neff Day”?

Neff, of course, is the insurance salesman who gets lured into a murder plot in the 1944 film noir classic, “Double Indemnity.”

He has a briefcase full of memorable lines. And it might be entertaining to recycle these Neffisms in everyday life.

I’ll show you how.

If, on a hot weekend afternoon, someone asks if you would like a glass of water or tea: “Yeah, unless you got a bottle of beer that’s not working.”

If someone is taking forever to tell a story or suggesting that you need to address an unpleasant task: “Do I laugh now or wait ’til it gets funny?”

If you are in the kitchen and have just handed someone a beverage: “See if you can carry this as far as the living room.”

If a question of spelling arises: “Yeah. Two ‘F’s, like in Philadelphia.”

If someone has suggested you should leave or that you are going to be late: “You bet I’ll get out of here, baby. I’ll get out of here but quick.”

If a situation dissolves into some sort of a last-straw scenario: “That tears it.”

If you want to amuse a loved one who is totally familiar with “Double Indemnity”: “Shut up, baby.”

Slice answer: In the matter of competing in high school against future professional athletes, Marvin Armstrong noted that quite a few Eastern Washington boys did just that when lining up against LaCrosse’s LaVern Torgeson.

Torgeson played for the Detroit Lions and Washington Redskins in the 1950s.

Today’s Slice question: Those Slice readers who volunteer that they dislike me and my work often enjoy suggesting that the only possible explanation for me keeping my job is that I must have some dirt on the family that owns this newspaper. That sometimes makes me wonder. What do they imagine those skeletons in the closet might be?