In-laws, their dog, ruining marriage

Dear Carolyn: Recently my wife’s parents moved to our city. They have a dog, which their whole world revolves around. I do not want any pets in our home or cars. I am not fond of dogs, and I am allergic to them.

These people bring their dog EVERYWHERE: funerals, weddings, church, shopping.

My wife will not say anything to her parents. If I do, no matter how I deliver the message, it will not be well received. These people are overly sensitive and one must watch carefully every word or they get offended.

What can be done to get the message to these folks that they are welcome, but their dog is not? – T.

You send the message by saying, “I’m allergic to dogs.” Why hasn’t your wife said it? It’s a slam-dunk.

Carolyn: She does not want to hurt her parents’ feelings. – T.

So the pet dander and dog-centric in-laws aren’t your problem, or your marriage’s.

Your problem: Your wife puts fear of offending her parents at the center of everything – without regard for cost – and you’ve put up with it.

The former isn’t yours to solve, unless your wife recognizes her misplaced priorities and wants help doing the hard work to change them.

I should say, the work isn’t technically hard. It’s just a matter of swapping out one set of negative consequences for another – and, call me biased, the consequences of offending emotional tyrants sound delightful compared with the consequence of kowtowing to them, and of having a permanent wedge in my marriage. Where the hard work awaits your wife is in facing that she let her parents be her core value, instead of developing a core of her own. Ouch.

Your end of the problem, meanwhile, starts with this choice: Keep your wheezy silence, or start asserting yourself, knowing you’ll offend your in-laws and undermine your wife’s goals.