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The Slice: Pesky kids won’t leave? Call a lawyer

Tue., April 23, 2013, midnight

So here’s a Spokaney question.

What if you issue the classic command and the kids still refuse to get off your lawn?

What then?

Pick and choose. A) Call your lawyer and initiate proceedings you hope will result in the issuance of strongly worded court order. B) Activate sonic-aversion tactics geared toward annoying young people. C) Release the hounds. D) Turn on the sprinklers. E) Step out and sneeringly say “I know your kind.” F) Get your spouse to put the run on ’em. G) Wheedle. H) Quote “Cool Hand Luke.” I) Call Luca Brasi. J) Threaten to call in a drone strike. K) Mutter a warning about land pirahnas. L) Go out and get all passive-aggressive on them. M) Begin photographing the interlopers. N) Say “Get a job, you bums.” O) Get all worked up and, in a rage tremble, say in a high, squeaky voice, “Now I’m not kidding, you little scamps!” P) Reach an out-of-court settlement. Q) Offer them candy. R) Say, “Well, that’s OK. I was just engaging in Inland Northwest performance art. Have a nice summer.” S) Other.

Which are the names of old biker movies and which are nonexistent films about Spokane area bicyclists: A) “The Glory Stompers.” B) “Hell’s Angels ’69.” C) “Share the Road Vixens.” D) “Wild Rebels.” E) “Lycra Unchained.” F) “She-Devils on Wheels.” G) “Panniers Hard as They Come.” H) “The Peace Killers.” I) “Pedal Angel, Pedal.” J) “The Mild One.” K) “Water Bottle Savages from Heck.” L) “The Naked Spokes.” M) “Middle Age Guys on Wheels.” N) “Satan’s Sadists.” O) “The Exercising Breed.”

I’ll assume you got them all right.

Warm-up question: How do you like to be introduced to strangers? You know, the usual “He works with me at Cyberdyne” or “Cruella here is my cousin”? Or would you rather it be something a tad more esoteric? “Luke here is one heck of a softball bench-warmer” or “This is Nigel, the famous tomato juice snob”?

Today’s Slice question: If you had to choose just one, what would you name as your all-time favorite book?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Mina Mittelstaedt learned to drive in a Ford Model A.

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