Summer 2013 is vanishing faster than pain meds from Sacred Heart Medical Center.
Soon schools will begin, leaves will turn and downtown panhandlers will start bumming pedestrians for hot chocolate money.
It’s no wonder many of you are wondering where your summertime went.
Well, the important thing is to not panic. There are far better ways to devote your time, like TV or binge drinking.
Even better, you can take my fourth annual “Summer Excitement Quiz,” which will help you determine whether your summer is hotter than a pole-dancing Jennifer Aniston or more like Kennewick Man modeling a Speedo.
So circle the answers that best fit your summer thrill level, and we’ll score your points at the end.
1. My biggest excitement this summer came from …
A. Feeding bears at a national park. (2 Fudgsicles)
B. Riding the SpinCycle at Silverwood. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. Tipping the near-naked baristas at XXXtreme Espresso. (10 Fudgsicles)
2. Which answer best describes your summertime relationship with Spokane’s Mobius science center?
A. I go all the time. It’s so darned educational! (2 Fudgsicles)
B. I try to walk past it whenever I’m downtown. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. Mobius? You mean that odd bald singer? (10 Fudgsicles)
3. I’m lucky to be alive after my frightening encounter with feisty, agitated …
A. Yellow Jackets. (2 Fudgsicles)
B. Paper Wasps. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. Craig Ehlo. (10 Fudgsicles)
4. This summer I lost my shirt …
A. Buying worthless scratch tickets. (2 Fudgsicles)
B. Playing slot machines. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. Feeding the downtown’s new no-armed-bandit parking meters. (10 Fudgsicles)
5. Now that Allegro has given its last free fireworks show, I’ll be getting my free fireworks …
A. At Riverfront Park on the Fourth. (2 Fudgsicles)
B. From the parking lot after Spokane Indians ballgames. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. Cooking meth in my trailer kitchen. (10 Fudgsicles)
6. Which answer best describes the shape you’re in this summer?
A. Ready for beach blanket bingo. (2 Fudgsicles)
B. Too ashamed to leave the house. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. Voted “Most Gravity Impaired” at the Bare Buns Fun Run. (10 Fudgsicles)
7. How far did you travel for your summer vacation?
A. Flew to another country. (2 Fudgsicles)
B. Drove to another state. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. Barely made it to Hillyard so I could make use of my Safeway gas discount points. (10 Fudgsicles)
8. July around here was so infernally hot that …
A. All my tomatoes died. (2 Fudgsicles)
B. I pitched a tent with my family inside the Costco produce cooler. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. The heat torched my cannabis crop before I could. (10 Fudgsicles)
9. The best drama of the summer so far has been …
A. “Mary Poppins” at the Coeur d’Alene Summer Theatre. (2 Fudgsicles)
B. “World War Z” at AMC River Park Square 20. (5 Fudgsicles)
C. “The Canning of Yvonne A.K. Johnson” at the Spokane Civic Theatre. (10 Fudgsicles)
10. How badly did City Councilman Mike Fagan weird you out with his recent fight against baristas wearing G-strings and pasties?
A. Not as bad as when Fagan called the governor a “lying whore.” (2 Fudgsicles)
B. It’s way worse than calling the governor a “lying whore.” (5 Fudgsicles)
C. Nothing matters as long as Fagan doesn’t show up at the next council meeting wearing pasties and a G-string. (10 Fudgsicles)
All right, let’s see how you fared.
If you scored 30 Fudgsicles or less, your summer is as lame as hour five of an Emily Dickinson poetry reading.
If you scored somewhere between 30 and 50 Fudgsicles, you could work a little harder at getting more pizzazz out of your summer like through cocaine, say, or shoplifting.
A score of 80 and above means you don’t need my help.
You are a Summer 2013 party animal and have the used autographed XXXtreme Espresso pasties to prove it!