August 11, 2013 in Features

The Slice: With a lawn like yours, it’s best to stay in

By The Spokesman-Review
 

It’s fine to get all nostalgic about summers of the past.

But sometimes we need to face up to reality.

Here are 17 reasons why people no longer hang out on the front porch at this time of year.

1. You live in a modern house that doesn’t really have a front porch.

2. Would feel “on display” in neighborhood of strangers.

3. It’s cooler inside.

4. It is 2013. Life is lived in the backyard now.

5. Neighbors with front yards full of campaign signs for horrible political candidates might get the idea you are inviting them to come over and share their lunacy.

6. Would make you a sitting duck for those selling religions or home-security systems door-to-door.

7. Violates whole concept of home as bulwark against the outside world.

8. Staring at electronic screens works better indoors.

9. George Bailey and Mary Hatch never walk past your home, depriving you of the opportunity to shout “Why don’t you kiss her instead of talking her to death!”

10. Atticus Finch’s kids never go by, depriving you of the opportunity to scold them for some inexplicably crabby reason.

11. You don’t live in Mayberry.

12. Casual, unhurried conversation has become a lost art.

13. The chairs inside are a lot more comfortable.

14. People in your family do not enjoy spending time together.

15. Bugs.

16. You don’t live in a house.

17. The world is too noisy now.

What did I leave out?

A pet peeve: “It’s when I’m standing in line at a store to pay, or I am paying, and the person next in line is right on my butt,” wrote Nadine Joubert. “Why do people stand that close? Are they afraid of losing their spot? Do they think I’m their long-lost mother? I’m about at the point of turning to them and saying, ‘I have head lice, you better stand back.’ Does this bother anyone else?”

Today’s Slice question: Ever been aboard a boat that started to sink?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. When using outdoor clotheslines, Ann Johnson’s mother taught her to hang underwear on inside lines so the neighbors couldn’t see the family’s under things.

Get stories like this in a free daily email


Please keep it civil. Don't post comments that are obscene, defamatory, threatening, off-topic, an infringement of copyright or an invasion of privacy. Read our forum standards and community guidelines.

You must be logged in to post comments. Please log in here or click the comment box below for options.

comments powered by Disqus