Today The Slice presents a transcript of an exclusive interview with a Spokane kid who has finally admitted that no amount of watering can really save a Christmas tree.
You won’t believe what he had to say.
Q: When did you come to terms with yule tree reality?
A: In January, when I saw the carcass of our tree out by the curb, next to the garbage.
Q: Yeah, that’s sad. But for a while you thought that you could keep it green by being attentive to the reservoir in the tree stand?
A: Oh, I suppose that on some level I realized it was a goner. It had been chopped down and severed from its root system, after all. But it drank so much water. I thought it must still be alive in some Frankensteinian sense.
Q: How often did you check the tree stand to see if you needed to add water?
A: About once every half hour.
Q: What did your family say about your devotion to watering?
A: My mother praised me. But my father, who grew up on a farm, mumbled something about getting too attached to the tree. My older brother just called me a maroon. That’s something he got from a Bugs Bunny cartoon that was made about a hundred years ago.
Q: Yes, I know. When did you first notice the needles starting to dry out?
A: It was around Pearl Harbor Day. I wanted to operate immediately. But my parents wouldn’t let me take the tree out of the stand to make a fresh cut at the bottom. I guess, since it was decorated and all, that might have caused a bit of upheaval.
Q: But you kept watering?
A: Oh, sure. I was trying to force fluids.
Q: What happened next?
A: Herr Tannenbaum went from dry to brittle to the stage just before spontaneous combustion.
Q: How are you approaching tree-watering this year?
A: I have switched from seeing myself as a junior arborist with healing powers to viewing myself more as a mortician preparing the tree for its fate.
Q: Which is?
A: This year it’s going to be recycled. Can’t deal with that curbside nightmare again.
Today’s Slice question: Do December weddings have a good record of leading to long marriages?