Doug Clark: Score your level of Christmas Chaos
We’re less than a week away from that magical day when that Holly Jolly Fat Man makes his annual appearance.
And for the record I mean Santa, not rare sightings of the county prosecutor.
As usual, many of you out there are in the throes of a Scroogelike funk.
Because of that I’ve devised the following Christmas Chaos Quiz, which will scientifically measure the distance between your current mental state and the nearest psych ward.
Just put an X on the answers that most suit your mood. We’ll tally your score at the end to see how you rate.
1. I’ve been taking care of my gift list this year by …
A. Shopping at area stores. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. Ordering presents online. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. Following UPS trucks and snatching packages off porches. (5 bah-humbugs)
2. Pick the answer that best describes your holiday feelings.
A. Singing with carolers around the neighborhood. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. Carrying presents to a homeless shelter. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. Stabbing a bell-ringer with a candy cane. (5 bah-humbugs)
3. Finish the following sentence: I stopped believing in Santa when I was…
A. Six. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. Nine. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. Divorced and living in my car. (5 bah-humbugs)
4. Nothing says Christmas like a …
A. Mansion covered with a million lights. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. Nativity scene featuring all the Simpsons. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. Sprig of mistletoe taped to my backside. (5 bah-humbugs)
5. Which of the following headlines would make you a believer in Christmas miracles?
A. Peace Comes to Earth. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. Cure for Cancer Found. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. John Ahern Wins Council Recount. (5 bah-humbugs)
6. When I hear the phrase “visions of sugarplums,” I think of …
A. The “Night Before Christmas” poem. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. A popular novel by Janet Evanovich. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. Mayor David Condon’s police ombudsman ordinance. (5 bah-humbugs)
7. Christmas Spokane style means …
A. Sledding at Manito Park. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. Skating at Riverfront Park. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. Chestnuts hanging at XXXtreme Espresso. (5 bah-humbugs)
8. I really couldn’t make it through the holidays without…
A. The love of family. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. The guidance of church. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. The buzz of peppermint schnapps. (5 bah-humbugs)
9. Who really knows if you’ve been naughty or nice?
A. Santa. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. Your spouse. (3 bah-humbugs)
C. Moustache Sally on Havana and East Sprague. (5 bah-humbugs)
10. I went all out this Christmas and…
A. Bought a 9-foot real tree. (2 bah-humbugs)
B. Adorned my home with 50 red poinsettias (3 bah-humbugs)
C. Flocked all 100 of my Christmas Chronic cannabis plants. (5 bah-humbugs)
All right, let’s see how you did.
Scoring in the low 20s means that you love “It’s a Wonderful Life” and would gladly lead your coworkers in a mass singing of “Jingle Bells” at the office Christmas party.
A score above 30 bah-humbugs shows that with the right amount of eggnog you just might slug your boss at the office Christmas party.
Scoring 50 bah-humbugs means that you’re the one most likely to lead your co-workers in a mass orgy at the office Christmas party.
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or firstname.lastname@example.org.