Movies so bad we hardly remember them
Unlucky ’13?
Some weekends, it seemed that way at the movies.
Big bad movies, cheap bad movies, ill-advisedly awful and ignominious efforts.
Johnny Depp outstayed his welcome, Adam Sandler sucker punched his enabling fans one last time, Will Smith made a movie so bad people were attaching Scientology recruitment to his motives, and Disney made a Pixar spinoff that was the worst thing ever to wear Mouse ears.
And because someday college kids will create drinking games to get them through “R.I.P.D.” with the once-and-always “dude,” Jeff Bridges, and there’s only enough space for two goshawful horror movies on any year’s list, let’s remember the unmemorable – the very worst in movies, 2013.
• “The Lone Ranger”: Twice, big money has been thrown at this “masked man” Western on the big screen, and both films were disasters for the ages. A few clever bits – the Ranger galloping through a moving train, Tonto and the Ranger buried in sand and slinging insults – lift your hopes. The rest? Shockingly violent, shockingly stupid. Everybody involved should have seen this coming.
• “Creature”: Show this one to your kid, the one whining about becoming an actress. “Someday, honey, you could end up stripping for a no-talent hack who has a villain named ‘Lockjaw’ butcher your character and your career.”
• “Grownups 2”: A make-work farce for Adam Sandler’s cronies, from David Spade to Dan Patrick, this summer party comedy climaxes with a set by the J. Geils Band. Without J. Geils. He was smart enough to skip this disaster.
• “After Earth”: A sci-fi flop that Will Smith manufactured for his charisma-starved kid.
• “Planes”: Disney’s worst animated film ever was shipped to theaters on John Lasseter’s watch, Pixar cultists. Chew on that.
• “A Madea Christmas”: Fox News has it right. There is a war on Christmas. Madea says so. But she’s that war’s generalissimo.
• “Movie 43” / “InAPPpropriate Comedy”: These assembled cameo sketch comedies make one wonder what jokes they threw out as “not funny enough.”
• “The Last Exorcism 2”: Deadly dull, an unscary sequel to the latest “The Devil is REAL” franchise. Instantly forgettable. And forgotten.
• “A Good Day to Die Hard”: The ignominious end of a franchise, a finale even worse than the one with Kevin Smith in it. And that’s saying something.
• “Free Birds”: Even the best animated films weren’t classics in 2013, but this turkey of a Thanksgiving time-travel farce was a fiasco from the get-go.
• “The Heat”: Take the couple of laughs – they were in the trailers – from “Identity Thief” and “The Heat” and you’d have a Melissa McCarthy comedy with … four laughs.