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Clark: Super Bowl ads in need of some shock value

Sun., Feb. 3, 2013, midnight

Happy Super Bowl XIXMILBJ.

Today’s the big day when the very latest in brand new cutting edge television commercials will keep being interrupted by periodic outbursts of football.

A recent Harris poll indicated that 66 percent of women and 45 percent of men watch the Super Bowl for the commercials as much as the actual game.

Figures, alas, also indicate that of the men who claim to use Super Bowl commercial breaks to “drain the ol’ dipstick,” 93.4 percent never bother to wash their hands before coming back to paw through the pretzel and nut bowls.

But chip/dip hygiene is a subject best left for another day.

The salient point here is that this year’s average one-minute Super Bowl commercial will cost up to $7.5 million, or roughly two times more than it takes to bribe a Supreme Court justice.

Yet for all the expense, most Super Bowl commercials still turn out to be lame on a stick or as predictable as blimped-out Jessica Simpson shilling for Weight Watchers.

And are you as sick of talking dogs and adult-acting babies as I am?

Just once I’d like to watch some Super Bowl commercials with real shock-and-awe value.

If I had my way we’d see …

• Barack Obama for Nicorette gum.

• Chris Christie for Dunkin’ Donuts.

• Dan Marino for Planned Parenthood.

• Hillary Clinton for Gold’s Gym.

• Jim Nabors for “Say Yes to the Dress.”

• Lance Armstrong for GNC vitamins & supplements.

• Chris Christie for Pizza Hut.

• Al Roker for Depends.

• Alex Rodriguez for

• Beyonce for Memorex.

• Ed Koch for Psychic Hotline.

• Manti T’eo for

• Chris Christie for Baskin-Robbins.

• O. J. Simpson for Soap on a Rope.

• Grumpy Cat for Prozac.

HALFTIME – Pause now for a moment to consider the Top 5 Spokane euphemisms for taking a bathroom break: 1. Setting the Clocktower. 2. Meeting a friend at Boo Radley’s. 3. Filling the potholes at Main and Post. 4. Dangling the gondola over the falls. 5. Tugging the ombudsman’s ponytail.

• Mitt Romney for Supercuts.

• Dianne Feinstein for the NRA.

• Chris Christie for IHOP all-you-can-eat pancakes.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger for Trojan condoms.

• Sarah Palin for Mensa.

• Rush Limbaugh for Gas-X.

• Pete Rose for Viagra.

• Pete Rose for Cialis.

• Pete Rose for Levitra.

• Barbara Walters for KFC.

• Budweiser Clydesdales for the Betty Ford Clinic.

• The Catholic Church for Toys “R” Us.

• Lindsay Lohan for Kay Jewelers.

• Hugh Hefner for Sleep Number beds.

• Justin Bieber for Zig-Zag rolling papers.

• Chris Christie for Pepto-Bismol.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or

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