Chad: Power outage doesn’t affect The Slouch
Finally, Big Brother fought back. Serena Williams had trumped Venus and Eli Manning had out-clutched Peyton – and, of course, Albert Brooks always has been a bit funnier than Super Dave Osborne – but on Super Bowl Sunday John Harbaugh outlasted bratty little sibling Jim for the family’s first Lombardi Trophy.
(Spectacular game, but, hey, New Orleans – no lights, no more Super Bowls. That delay caused dip issues for me.)
As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:
11:05 a.m.: CBS’s Solomon Wilcots is live at the Ravens’ hotel – I could swear I see two tiny bottles of shampoo in his right jacket pocket.
11:06: Steve Tasker is at the 49ers’ hotel and says the team “has rehearsed their snack schedule” – just like Couch Slouch does!
11:08: Packers’ Clay Matthews tells Greg Gumbel, “Somehow I tricked the execs at CBS to let me on set with you.” Shannon Sharpe did the same thing nine years ago.
12:20 p.m.: Boomer Esiason keeps shaking hands and high-fiving on the CBS set; is he running for office?
1:08: “How Super of a Bowl is it,” my sage stepdaughter Mia wonders, “if Justin Bieber’s not even there?”
1:23: If CBS does one more heartbreaking pregame feature, I’m going to jump on the next raft and join Greenpeace.
1:35: So President Obama might not let a son of his play football; I doubt he would’ve said that a month before the election.
2:58: Maya Angelou for Union Bank. Really? What’s next, the Dalai Lama for Michelin tires?
3:20: What’s with Jennifer Hudson? Have a Mallomar bar, sweetie.
3:22: Alicia Keys isn’t lip-synching the national anthem, but I think that was a player piano.
3:27: A black president and a black Super Bowl referee? This civil-rights thing is moving at warp speed.
3:32: Every Super Bowl should start with a touchback – it allows us to catch our breath.
3:33: You prep for two weeks and have illegal formation on the first play? Bad coaching, man.
3:35: Doritos get all the press, but Fritos are the bomb.
3:38: Delaware has now produced two Super Bowl quarterbacks, Rich Gannon and Joe Flacco. That would be like Taco Bell producing two Le Cordon Bleu instructors.
3:40: I believe that Colin Kaepernick, on his left arm, has tattooed the entire menu of IHOP.
3:42: Every time Flacco drives for a touchdown, his asking price goes up a million.
3:46: I always wait until the first Budweiser commercial of the day to drink my first PBR.
3:54: I half-expected David Akers to have a cigarette and a blindfold when he came out for his first field-goal attempt.
5:09: Beyonce runs the pistol offense at halftime.
5:32: Ravens’ Jacoby Jones returns second-half kickoff 108 yards to make it 28-6.
5:33: Most of my Super Bowl guests aren’t even arriving until the fourth quarter. Gosh, I’m going to have to entertain them myself.
5:37: The Superdome goes dark – my guess is Shannon Sharpe tripped over his tongue and caused a power outage.
5:45: Uh oh, Solomon Wilcots and Steve Tasker have the only live microphones. The White House could declare it a national emergency.
6:03: If this delay goes any longer, CBS might fly in Charlie Rose to fill.
6:32: 49ers score twice in 2:21 after lights mysteriously went out; Oliver Stone’s thinking he has a new film.
6:34: I remember I needed a power outage during my second honeymoon to change momentum.
7:05: These 49ers have made more comebacks than Robert Downey Jr.
7:20: When calls go against 49ers, Jim Harbaugh looks like his dad’s just grounded him for a week.
7:31: Is “Elementary” still going to be on?
7:34: 49ers fail on fourth-and-goal; Jim Harbaugh’s head explodes and Ravens survive, 34-31.
7:40: I imagine I’m the only one who thinks the 49ers win this game if they start Alex Smith.
7:45: Boy, Ray Lewis is going to be fired up in retirement with two Super Bowl rings and no murder charges.
Ask The Slouch
Q. I have a bet with my brother: I say the Pro Bowl was last played in 1993; he says it’s next week. Who’s right? (Dan Morgiewicz; Burke, Va.)
A. I’m going to give you each $1.25.
Q. If ESPN televised Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, Pa., would it be a weeklong event? (Binny Natto; Dormont, Pa.)
A. From your lips to Bristol’s ears, I fear.
Q. Will the Ford Motor Company resurrect the Mercury Cougar line and hire Danica Patrick to drive it? (Joe Ogle; Greenwood, Ind.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.