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The Slice: Zag title won’t cure all ills

Fri., Feb. 15, 2013

There seems to be some confusion about the possible implications of the Gonzaga men’s basketball team winning the national championship.

So let’s clear up a few misunderstandings.

Q: If the Zags win it all, will that erase the burdensome outstanding balances on my credit cards?

A: No, it won’t.

Q: If GU goes all the way, will I suddenly find myself at my ideal weight?

A: No. You’ll have to take care of that on your own.

Q: If Gonzaga at least makes it to the Final Four, will my rotting roof magically heal itself?

A: Probably not.

Q: If the Bulldogs take the national title, will other drivers stop flipping me off in traffic.

A: That would partly depend on your driving, but there’s probably no correlation.

Q: Would it improve my sex life?

A: It might. If the basketball team’s march to glory imbues you with boundless good cheer, you might find yourself in a more patient, giving frame of mind. That could reap all sorts of benefits.

Q: If Gonzaga wins six games in the tournament, will I be better looking?

A: Not really. But almost everybody looks good with a smile.

Q: If GU wins the national championship, will my neighbors occasionally wrap up their backyard cookouts before midnight this summer?

A: There is no causal relationship.

Q: If the Zags lift the trophy, will the bathroom drains in my home never again get clogged?

A: That has more to do with hair than with basketball.

Q: If Mark Few’s team makes 2013 a year to remember, will my cholesterol numbers improve?

A: Don’t count on it.

Q: If the Zags win it all, will more Americans pronounce “Spokane” correctly?

A: You would think so. But many people are incapable of learning. And, of course, millions don’t pay attention to sports.

Q: If Gonzaga wins the NCAA tournament, will my kids start acting more like budding overachievers?

A: Anything’s possible. But again, there’s no clear “A, therefore B” here.

Q: If GU wins it all, will I experience a kind of euphoria?

A: If you have been rooting for them all along, you bet.

Today’s Slice question: When you hear the words “science fair,” what memory comes to mind?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Some people look like ventriloquists when they whisper.

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