February 15, 2013 in Features

The Slice: Zag title won’t cure all ills

By The Spokesman-Review

There seems to be some confusion about the possible implications of the Gonzaga men’s basketball team winning the national championship.

So let’s clear up a few misunderstandings.

Q: If the Zags win it all, will that erase the burdensome outstanding balances on my credit cards?

A: No, it won’t.

Q: If GU goes all the way, will I suddenly find myself at my ideal weight?

A: No. You’ll have to take care of that on your own.

Q: If Gonzaga at least makes it to the Final Four, will my rotting roof magically heal itself?

A: Probably not.

Q: If the Bulldogs take the national title, will other drivers stop flipping me off in traffic.

A: That would partly depend on your driving, but there’s probably no correlation.

Q: Would it improve my sex life?

A: It might. If the basketball team’s march to glory imbues you with boundless good cheer, you might find yourself in a more patient, giving frame of mind. That could reap all sorts of benefits.

Q: If Gonzaga wins six games in the tournament, will I be better looking?

A: Not really. But almost everybody looks good with a smile.

Q: If GU wins the national championship, will my neighbors occasionally wrap up their backyard cookouts before midnight this summer?

A: There is no causal relationship.

Q: If the Zags lift the trophy, will the bathroom drains in my home never again get clogged?

A: That has more to do with hair than with basketball.

Q: If Mark Few’s team makes 2013 a year to remember, will my cholesterol numbers improve?

A: Don’t count on it.

Q: If the Zags win it all, will more Americans pronounce “Spokane” correctly?

A: You would think so. But many people are incapable of learning. And, of course, millions don’t pay attention to sports.

Q: If Gonzaga wins the NCAA tournament, will my kids start acting more like budding overachievers?

A: Anything’s possible. But again, there’s no clear “A, therefore B” here.

Q: If GU wins it all, will I experience a kind of euphoria?

A: If you have been rooting for them all along, you bet.

Today’s Slice question: When you hear the words “science fair,” what memory comes to mind?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Some people look like ventriloquists when they whisper.

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