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Common-sense bill on police firings too smart for Olympia

Tue., Feb. 19, 2013, midnight

Attention, Citizens! Cpl. Clark returns to once again address your concerns about cops, courts and crime.

Q – Hey, Cpl. Clark, what’s the rumpus about some state senator in Olympia attacking Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich’s character?

Cpl. Clark – You mean The Roach.

Q – Is that the senator’s name?

Cpl. Clark – Many in Olympia think it’s more like her species.

Q – Going before Pam Roach is that bad?

Cpl. Clark – Being stranded for days at sea on a poo-dripping cruise ship is probably worse, but there are some at the Statehouse who would give you an argument.

Q – So what’s her beef with Ozzie?

Cpl. Clark – She grilled the sheriff about whether or not he has ever used public-funded fuel for his own private use.

Q – And?

Cpl. Clark – The sheriff denied it and then got sore.

Q – What’d Roach do?

Cpl. Clark – She said, “He doth protest too loudly.”

Q – Shakespeare?

Cpl. Clark – No, Cliffs Notes.

Q – You believe Ozzie, don’t you?

Cpl. Clark – The sheriff is an elected official with a near-fatal flaw.

Q – What’s that?

Cpl. Clark – Honesty.

Q – That character trait won’t get you very far in politics. But why was the sheriff in Olympia, anyway?

Cpl. Clark – He’s trying to get a bill passed that would bar arbitrators from reinstating cops who lie or commit crimes.

Q – You’d think that’d be a no-brainer.

Cpl. Clark – Don’t bet on it. The Legislature shuns common sense like the Academy Awards snubs Ben Affleck’s directing.

Q – Spokane voters last week overwhelmingly approved amending the city charter to give the police ombudsman more authority. Is Cpl. Clark happy?

Cpl. Clark – I’m happier than a police dog with a mouthful of fleeing felon. But we’re still only halfway there.

Q – Meaning?

Cpl. Clark – Now we need to find some way to give the police ombudsman a spine.

Q – You’re being a bit harsh, aren’t you?

Cpl. Clark – Perhaps. But the ombudsman needs to show a lot more backbone than he’s shown so far if he’s ever gonna take on the city’s snake den.

Q – Snake den?

Cpl. Clark – Sorry. I meant Spokane Police Guild.

Q – I sure hope you obey all the traffic laws, Cpl. Clark.

Cpl. Clark – You’re not the first person to tell me that.

Q – Turning to Idaho news … The hearing is over and a federal judge must decide whether Joseph Duncan was in his right mind when he gave up the right to appeal his death sentence. Any thoughts?

Cpl. Clark – Taxpayers could have saved a lot of time and money by following the two-step plan I proposed when we caught this murderous monster.

Q – Which is?

Cpl. Clark – 1. You get rope. 2. I kick stool.

Q – Hey, federal investigators will be in Spokane this week to examine the SPD. What do you think they’ll come up with?

Cpl. Clark – Now that Karl Thompson Jr.’s doing the shared shower samba, there’s really only one police issue on everybody’s minds.

Q – Proper use of force?

Cpl. Clark – No. Where the hell is Scott Stephens?

Q – The interim police chief has vanished like a ghost. Think the feds can unravel the mystery?

Cpl. Clark – Not if their work on Jimmy Hoffa’s any indicator.

Q – By the way, how ’bout that toddler who wandered all alone into a Coeur d’Alene tavern the other day?

Cpl. Clark – I hear the little tyke ordered a shot and a binky.

Q – Boo. Be serious, Cpl. Clark. Wasn’t this awful?

Cpl. Clark – I’d say the kid’s actually quite lucky.

Q – Lucky?

Cpl. Clark – Absolutely. He could’ve been on a plane with Hayden’s Joe Rickey Hundley.

Q – You mean the alleged baby slapper?

Cpl. Clark – I don’t mean babysitter.

Q – But getting back to saloon tot, cops later found the kid’s father at a Wal-Mart. Isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard?

Cpl. Clark – Naw. This one time I was in a bar when a horse wandered in.

Q – A horse? What did you do?

Cpl. Clark – I said, “Hey, pal, why the long face.”

Q – I think we just hit the wall, don’t you, Cpl. Clark?

Cpl. Clark – Stick a fork in me. I’m gone like Scott Stephens.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at


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