Local news

Common-sense bill on police firings too smart for Olympia

Attention, Citizens! Cpl. Clark returns to once again address your concerns about cops, courts and crime.

Q – Hey, Cpl. Clark, what’s the rumpus about some state senator in Olympia attacking Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich’s character?

Cpl. Clark – You mean The Roach.

Q – Is that the senator’s name?

Cpl. Clark – Many in Olympia think it’s more like her species.

Q – Going before Pam Roach is that bad?

Cpl. Clark – Being stranded for days at sea on a poo-dripping cruise ship is probably worse, but there are some at the Statehouse who would give you an argument.

Q – So what’s her beef with Ozzie?

Cpl. Clark – She grilled the sheriff about whether or not he has ever used public-funded fuel for his own private use.

Q – And?

Cpl. Clark – The sheriff denied it and then got sore.

Q – What’d Roach do?

Cpl. Clark – She said, “He doth protest too loudly.”

Q – Shakespeare?

Cpl. Clark – No, Cliffs Notes.

Q – You believe Ozzie, don’t you?

Cpl. Clark – The sheriff is an elected official with a near-fatal flaw.

Q – What’s that?

Cpl. Clark – Honesty.

Q – That character trait won’t get you very far in politics. But why was the sheriff in Olympia, anyway?

Cpl. Clark – He’s trying to get a bill passed that would bar arbitrators from reinstating cops who lie or commit crimes.

Q – You’d think that’d be a no-brainer.

Cpl. Clark – Don’t bet on it. The Legislature shuns common sense like the Academy Awards snubs Ben Affleck’s directing.

Q – Spokane voters last week overwhelmingly approved amending the city charter to give the police ombudsman more authority. Is Cpl. Clark happy?

Cpl. Clark – I’m happier than a police dog with a mouthful of fleeing felon. But we’re still only halfway there.

Q – Meaning?

Cpl. Clark – Now we need to find some way to give the police ombudsman a spine.

Q – You’re being a bit harsh, aren’t you?

Cpl. Clark – Perhaps. But the ombudsman needs to show a lot more backbone than he’s shown so far if he’s ever gonna take on the city’s snake den.

Q – Snake den?

Cpl. Clark – Sorry. I meant Spokane Police Guild.

Q – I sure hope you obey all the traffic laws, Cpl. Clark.

Cpl. Clark – You’re not the first person to tell me that.

Q – Turning to Idaho news … The hearing is over and a federal judge must decide whether Joseph Duncan was in his right mind when he gave up the right to appeal his death sentence. Any thoughts?

Cpl. Clark – Taxpayers could have saved a lot of time and money by following the two-step plan I proposed when we caught this murderous monster.

Q – Which is?

Cpl. Clark – 1. You get rope. 2. I kick stool.

Q – Hey, federal investigators will be in Spokane this week to examine the SPD. What do you think they’ll come up with?

Cpl. Clark – Now that Karl Thompson Jr.’s doing the shared shower samba, there’s really only one police issue on everybody’s minds.

Q – Proper use of force?

Cpl. Clark – No. Where the hell is Scott Stephens?

Q – The interim police chief has vanished like a ghost. Think the feds can unravel the mystery?

Cpl. Clark – Not if their work on Jimmy Hoffa’s any indicator.

Q – By the way, how ’bout that toddler who wandered all alone into a Coeur d’Alene tavern the other day?

Cpl. Clark – I hear the little tyke ordered a shot and a binky.

Q – Boo. Be serious, Cpl. Clark. Wasn’t this awful?

Cpl. Clark – I’d say the kid’s actually quite lucky.

Q – Lucky?

Cpl. Clark – Absolutely. He could’ve been on a plane with Hayden’s Joe Rickey Hundley.

Q – You mean the alleged baby slapper?

Cpl. Clark – I don’t mean babysitter.

Q – But getting back to saloon tot, cops later found the kid’s father at a Wal-Mart. Isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard?

Cpl. Clark – Naw. This one time I was in a bar when a horse wandered in.

Q – A horse? What did you do?

Cpl. Clark – I said, “Hey, pal, why the long face.”

Q – I think we just hit the wall, don’t you, Cpl. Clark?

Cpl. Clark – Stick a fork in me. I’m gone like Scott Stephens.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.

There are 33 comments on this story »


Weekend Wild Card — 7.30-31.16

I scratched another back yard honey-do off my list this weekend already by finishing another one of those projects that had been on the waiting list for years. It involved ...

West Nile Virus found in Lake Roosevelt mosquitoes

UPDATE 4:45 p.m. Quote from Dan Foster, Lake Roosevelt National Recreation Area superintendent: "We are working with the Washington Department of Health, our region, and national staff to understand the ...

Saving for the future

sponsored According to two 2015 surveys, 62 percent of Americans do not have enough savings to handle an unexpected emergency, much less any long-term plans.



Contact the Spokesman

Main switchboard:
(509) 459-5000
Customer service:
(800) 338-8801
(509) 459-5400
(800) 789-0029
Back to Spokesman Mobile