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Carolyn Hax: Close planner; try his way for awhile

Sun., Feb. 24, 2013, midnight

Dear Carolyn: I’m in a relationship with a great guy. We’re talking marriage. Everything for the most part is wonderful, except for a communication issue that has become our “repeat fight.”

I am a planner, and he is not. I’m on the road for work a few times a month, and he works overnights and sometimes goes for two weeks without a day off. We’d never see each other if I didn’t size up our schedules and plan ahead – at least, that’s my opinion.

He says this kind of weekly micromanaging is stressful for him. He promises we’re going to see each other without the constant planning because he misses me and will prioritize me.

He HAS always put our relationship first, so I don’t doubt his best intentions. In his perfect world, he’d call me after work to see if I was free, and if I wasn’t, he’d ask about tomorrow or the next day.

But I’d always be in limbo, still inclined to look at my schedule and keep a few days a week free to essentially be “on call” for hanging out whenever he decides he wants to. It doesn’t seem fair.

In the end we both want the same thing: to see each other. Where is our middle ground? Do I need to give his way a try? – Color-Coded Calendar

Yes, if only because you apparently haven’t.

You have, meanwhile, been color-coding his free days for quite some time. You think you’d never see each other, but you both know tight scheduling stresses him out.

Another argument for backing off involves boundaries (doesn’t it always). In my perfect world, you’d manage your time, and he’d manage his – which includes any minor, non-grudging adjustments to allow the two ways to get along.

That might look like this: You calendar-box him in when it’s necessary to – say, when reservations need to be made, tickets need to be bought, others need to be included – and you leave the rest blank. Those blank days are yours to fill with friends, leave empty, allot to activities that allow flexibility, or some unforced combination of the three.

If he happens to be free the day you’ve made plans to see friends? Tell him so, ask him about “tomorrow or the next day,” then see your friends as planned.

In other words, don’t go halfway and act as if you’re scheduling your own time while you’re really just waiting for him, and don’t set it up as a gotcha-trap. Commit to treating your time as yours and his time as his, as the logical thing to do, and see what actually happens. Let the natural consequences of not planning kick in. It’s not a “communication issue,” it’s about compatibility, and this exercise will tell you how deep it goes. Before you marry.

If you wind up seeing each other as much as always, sans recurring arguments, then, yay. If you see each other less and he misses you, then he’ll likely welcome some “micromanagement.” Yay again.

If you see less of each other and he’s fine with that, then it’s time to figure out: Do you care more than he does? Do you care equally, but show it differently? And, most important, can you each reconcile this without expecting the other to change?

Email Carolyn at, follow her on Facebook at carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacifictime each Friday at

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