February 27, 2013 in Features

Not invited to wedding? No need to respond

Judith Martin Universal Uclick
 

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just when one thinks that the Wedding Industrial Complex cannot get any worse, it does. One of the latest trends is to suggest to brides- and grooms-to-be that it is a good thing to tell those whom they are not inviting to the wedding just why they are not being invited.

The explanation given is that the couple would adore to have you attend their wedding, but that their budget will not permit it. It is also suggested that to make the excluded feel included, they be invited to go along on expeditions to “help choose” the dress, the cake or whatever.

As the occasional recipient of such announcements, I would like your advice about how to respond. It seems churlish to say that you’re relieved not to be invited, but it seems awkward to admit that your feelings are hurt at being excluded.

GENTLE READER: The temptation to respond, “Oh, please don’t feel bad about this – I wouldn’t have gone anyway,” must be enormous.

Certainly that is a lot more tempting than going shopping with the bride, to watch her spend the money she saved by excluding you, and to help choose a cake of which you will not be offered a slice.

Miss Manners understands that it might sometimes be necessary to respond to pushy people who announce their intention of attending a wedding to which they have not been invited. Even then, pleading budget concerns is ugly, as an admission that the arrangements are more important than the people.

They should be told, “It’s a very small wedding – just family and a few close friends.” And no, that’s not a lie, because “small” and “close” are subject to interpretation. But to say, “Nyah, nyah, you’re not invited to my wedding” to people who were minding their own business is as mean as it is vulgar.

As no invitation was issued, no response is necessary. But you could reassure them that you are not devastated by saying cheerfully, “Fine” or, “That’s quite all right.” And for the sake of form, Miss Manners hopes you will add your good wishes.


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