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Clark: State gets weeds of advice

Doug Clark
Doug Clark

Last November’s passage of High-502, the initiative legalizing marijuana for hacky sack and other recreational use, has motivated many Washington residents to give the state their cannabis crop suggestions.

And just in time.

Eventually, lawmakers must come up with a whole lot of new rules regarding growing legal weed and how much of it can be smoked during sessions on the floor of the House and Senate.

This is not to suggest that all auspicious members of state government are potheads.

Heavens, NO!

Based on the quality of decisions coming out of Olympia every session, I’m betting there are five or six straight ones at least.

Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice this week’s news about all the weed wisdom that citizens have offered the state via the Liquor Control Board’s computerized notification system.

Some submitters, our story reported, take herbage – I mean umbrage – at the thought of large corporations getting involved with the ganja grow.

Which reminds me of the email I received the other day from Craig Paterson, a loyal reader and Coeur d’Alene resident.

Paterson said the Jacklin Seed company’s planned move to Othello inspired the following “Clarkesque type” humor, which I’ll paraphrase:

Here in Idaho it’s illegal to burn grass because of the smoke. Over in Washington, you can not only burn grass, but smoke it till you’re silly.

“I would be honored if you get a chance to work it into one of your columns,” he wrote, adding that his wife thought he was reading “too many of your columns.”

Thanks, Craig. And I’ll send you and the missus a prize soon for your effort.

But getting back to our serious topic …

Many marijuana enthusiasts want limits put on pesticides that, while fighting bugs, might interfere with the buzz.

Some residents fear that our leaders will put high taxes on weed.

What are these ninnies smoking?

If the chuckleheads in the Legislature know how to do anything, it’s tax the living tar out of whatever they can tax.

You think the taxes on tobacco are high?

Wait’ll you buy your first pack of state-sanctioned Lucky Spliffs.

You’ll probably need to take out a second mortgage.

Being a non-user, I’m not really concerned about what the lawmakers charge for the green, green grass of our homeland.

But because of my unique experience in marijuana harvesting, I would ask the liquor board and legislators to please consider putting the following label on all government-approved pot plants:


I learned this the hard way back when I was in my 20s.

My lovely wife, Sherry, and I took a job managing 20 apartments on the North Side.

I’m not saying the complex was seedy. But after arriving, we found one of the three-bedroom units was occupied by nine young women who were engaged in internal affairs, if you know what I mean.

I’ll save that story for another day.

What’s relevant is the time I received a near-frantic phone call from one of our better non-hooking tenants.

He was all atwitter by the odd foliage that he had discovered growing behind his patio.

I immediately lumbered right over. And there sprouting right before me was a healthy 2-foot marijuana plant, complete with clusters of those green and telltale leaves.

So I yanked it out of the ground, roots and all, and took it back to our apartment, where I stuck it in a vase on my kitchen windowsill to surprise Sherry.

We got a big laugh out of it until one of our friends said, “Hey, you can’t have that on your window. That’s illegal!”

So I panicked and destroyed the hempy evidence the quickest way I could.

Two days later, the garbage disposal seized up like an old man’s bowels.

“Somebody put a rope down this thing?” muttered the repairman as he tediously pulled fibers out of the disposal’s inner workings.

I just stood there like a coward, afraid to say a word.

Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or