January 11, 2013 in Features

The Slice: Don’t kick off without us

By The Spokesman-Review
 
The Spokesman-Review photo

Paul Turner, Spokesman-Review columnist.
(Full-size photo)

I know it’s early.

But please plan to invite us to your Super Bowl party.

A socially skilled photographer and I will visit as many local gatherings as we can on that Sunday and then report our findings in the Monday, Feb. 4, newspaper. Considering how long the pregame show and commercials-bloated Super Bowl itself last, we should have an opportunity to make quite a few stops.

So what guarantee is there that you will not live to regret inviting us?

None. But here is our multiprong pledge.

We will not stick funky-tasting rum balls behind the sofa cushion.

We will not eat more than a dozen pieces of pizza (24 if you count both of us).

As we will be on duty, we will not deplete your lager reserves.

We will not say that your house/apartment/condo smells funny.

We will not ask to take a shower.

We will not cough or sneeze on the trays of hors d’oeuvres.

We will not win all the cash in your party’s various betting pools.

We will not park on your lawn.

We will not pound on the bathroom door and yell “Gotta get in there, man – that crab dip did me in!”

We will not encourage your children to get into newspapering.

We will not lose the remote.

We will not ask questions just before a pivotal play.

We will not mistake your gathering for a toga party.

We will not gawk at guests with notable cleavage.

We will not rifle through your drawers.

We will not attempt to borrow money.

We will not have the flu.

We will not instigate a food fight.

We will not jump up and exclaim “Everybody dance now!”

We will not punt cheese puffs in your kitchen.

Warm-up question: Will people working at assisted living communities 60 or 70 years from now find themselves thinking, “Boy, there sure were a lot of babies named Caitlin, Madison and Nevaeh long ago”?

Today’s Slice question: We all know there are people who skip the workplace elevator and take the stairs for exercise. Some get up and walk on the stairs even when they aren’t really going anywhere. But who around here climbs the most flights in a typical weekday?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. My neighbor’s cat thinks she is in a National Geographic special on small snow leopards of the Northwest.


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