(Pauline Phillips, better known as “Dear Abby,” died last week at the age of 94. The following is in her honor.)
Dear Abby: I’m a linebacker for Notre Dame, and I’m in a relationship with a beautiful woman. Problem is, I’m in Indiana. She’s in California. We stay up all night swapping texts and tweets. She has leukemia. I think I’m in love. What should I do next?
P.S. We’ve never met.
Dear Gullible: I’m no spring chicken, but I’ve heard of Skype and Face Time. So, there’s a start. But, seriously, you really should go on a date before you make a fool of yourself.
Dear Abby: I am the greatest cyclist in all the land. An American hero – or, as everyone says today, an icon! Nobody even cared about my sport until I started kickin’ Euro butt. But here’s the thing: I took some performance-enhancing drugs and absolutely crushed people who have told the truth about that. So it would be kinda awkward to own up now, but they won’t let me compete in any sport until I fess up. Any advice?
Dear Inflated One: Does the yellow jersey stand for coward? Have you considered inventing a girlfriend, or any friend? Because it looks hopeless for you. At least I hope it is.
Dear Abby: I just won a seat in the Idaho Legislature and want to make a difference. Here’s the thing: Abortion is legal. Were you aware of this? Anyway, I want to explain this to some folks who haven’t thought it through. I find analogies are always useful, so I’m thinking of comparing women who get abortions to prostitutes. Any thoughts?
Dear Sheltered: You’re a politician who wants to use a prostitution reference? How are you with endless derision?
Dear Abby: I am a tea party patriot who was recently elected to Congress. Previous Congresses bought a bunch of junk and didn’t pay for it at the time. So me and some Congress buddies were thinking of not paying the bills. Heck, they’re not ours. We just got here. I’m pretty sure this is what the Founding Fathers would’ve wanted. How about that?
Dear Mr. Tea: You’re contemplating economic ruination for the country in the name of the people who created it? Here’s my advice: Contract the flu and kiss your caucus for me.
Dear Abby: I am the executive director of a large organization that wants to make sure the good guys can stop the bad guys with a gun. The bigger the better. So, here’s the plan: Put guns in the classrooms and make sure military-style weapons are on every block. The economic stimulus alone makes this a winner. I’d be willing to bet every dime our organization has that this would be a winning platform for a presidential candidate. What do you think?
Dear Cold Dead Fingers: Go ahead. Make my day.
Dear Abby: I’ve heard the government has internment camps up by the Canadian border. They’re going to use gun registration information to round us up and send us there. We’re building fortifications in our cul de sac. “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” – Thomas Jefferson. But my question is this: What side of the street should we keep clear for the snowplows?
Dear Patriot: Those aren’t snowplows!
Dear Abby: The city has given us new recycling bins that are so big we’re having trouble filling them. It feels silly to place a half-filled bin on the curb each week. Any advice?
Dear Confounded: This is way over my head. Best of luck.
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