Doug Clark: So funny I forgot to laugh
Plop, plop. Fizz-fizz.
Oh, what a release it was.
Between classes, studying and managing their Facebook accounts, today’s high school students have enough pressures building up without having to worry about loud KABOOMS going off in the hallways.
Yet that’s what happened Wednesday at my alma mater, the South Hill’s mighty Joel E. Ferris High School.
Classes were canceled and students were sent home after some rebel without a clue set off two pop bottle bombs.
This was no act of some mad scientist.
Pop bottle bombs are easily made. They rely on combining common chemicals, and – like everything else under the sun – there are tutorials all over the Internet.
Damn you, Al Gore.
“They’re not causing damage,” said a police official about the devices in our news story.
“They’re making a big noise.”
The good news is that this jackass (a juvenile both figuratively and literally) reportedly blabbed after being quickly nabbed.
Authorities don’t believe he was out to hurt anyone. That’s nice, although a janitor did suffer some skin irritation from the cleanup and a resource officer had some breathing concerns.
Who knows what really goes through the mind of a screwball?
Word trickling out of the school is that the perpetrator was trying to screw with finals week.
MESSAGE TO SLACKER: Next time you want to skip a final, do it the old-fashioned way. Forge a sick note.
Now, I was hardly an angel back when I attended Ferris. I played a part in some mischief that, in today’s climate, might have sent me to Guantanamo Bay.
And that’s the point.
These are tense terrorist times we’re living in.
When I heard what had happened, my first reaction was disbelief.
How could any kid be so dense as to not know how much crap would hit the fan from pulling a prank like this?
Does he ever watch the news?
Read a newspaper?
Apparently not. It’s obvious that this guy needs some real education on what’s funny and what’s unfunny.
Here, let me help.
Funny: Fake fly in the ice cube.
Unfunny: Live spider in the sugar bowl.
Funny: X-ray glasses.
Funny: Plastic vomit.
Unfunny: Plastic explosive.
Funny: Inflatable woman.
Unfunny: Manti Te’o’s invisible girlfriend.
Funny: Friend with a joy buzzer.
Unfunny: Karl Thompson with a Taser.
Funny: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Unfunny: Larry Craig in your can.
Funny: Mouthful of pepper gum.
Unfunny: Face full of pepper spray.
Funny: Frat boys mooning.
Unfunny: Spokane’s naked burglar.
Funny: Dribble glass.
Unfunny: Hot coffee crotch spill.
Funny: Chinese handcuffs.
Unfunny: Mexican standoff.
Funny: Rubber rattlesnake.
Unfunny: Lance Armstrong.
There. See how clear it is?
With a little thoughtful consideration, even the most doltish clown can figure it out.
One thing’s for certain, though.
No matter what some judge does, this lad’s already serving a life sentence.
Meaning he’ll never be able to attend a school reunion or gathering of his classmates without hearing something like …
“Cover your ears. The SODABOMBER’S HERE!!!”
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or firstname.lastname@example.org.