The Slice has managed to secure an exclusive interview with the slowest texter in Spokane.
The S-R will not reveal his identity, other than to say he is a mild-mannered columnist for the Today section.
You won’t believe what he had to say.
Q: How do you know you are Spokane’s slowest texter?
A: People have told me.
Q: Were they making fun of you?
A: Not really. I’ve heard this from friends and co-workers with whom I have good relationships. So I’m thinking these are honest, objective assessments.
Q: Well, I know you are familiar with keyboards. Why so slow when sending a text from your phone?
A: Pudgy fingertips, for one thing. And I try to be precise. If you aren’t careful that darn spell-check will turn your message into inscrutable nonsense. Message recipients tend to be baffled when you try to type “marmots” and what they see on their end is “madhouse” or “masturbate.”
Q: But it seems like you would get a little faster over time. Right?
A: One would think. But if this technology were an old-fashioned lab experiment, I would be relegated to the “slow chimps” group.
Q: Maybe you are being slowed down by insisting on complete sentences, et cetera. Could that be it?
A: Sir, I have standards. You know the butler in “Downton Abbey,” Mr. Carson? That’s me when it comes to sending a text. I recognize, however, that subject/verb agreement is not crucial if your text just says “sup?”
Q: Perhaps you should stick to email and phone messages. What do you think?
A: The thing is, I understand and value the utility of texting. There are situations when it’s really the way to go. It’s just that it takes me a while to correctly type in even a short note. I do a lot of backspace/correcting.
Q: Do you think those who watch you slowly jab a fat finger at your phone assume that you aren’t really in tune with this century?
A: I think a lot of people already suspect that. Or maybe they imagine I face some other challenge.
Q: Like what?
A: Like not being able to speak in abbreviations.
Today’s Slice question: Know anyone born on Groundhog Day?