Carolyn Hax: When it’s family, skip the RSVP

Dear Carolyn: My brother and sister-in-law have been critical of the fact that we are planners. If we invite them for a dinner party, then we generally send out an invitation, date, time, occasion and ask for an RSVP. We never hear back. We’ve called and left messages on the phone, texted, emailed, but they don’t let us know if they are coming. My husband is gracious enough to say, “Just make enough. If they don’t come, we’ll have leftovers.” They are a family of four.

We’ve heard through others that they are upset that we don’t check the dates and times with them before making plans.

So another Father’s Day came and went. My dad was so hurt when they didn’t show. It turned out that their son had a game. If they had asked, “Can we reschedule?,” then we would have. If they had told us they couldn’t make it, we would have understood.

Are we in the wrong? Should we be checking with them first when we host dinners to see if it fits their schedule? Or are they in the wrong for not RSVP-ing and if so, is there anything we can do about it? We can’t make them RSVP.

Or is my husband right, should we keep inviting them and make enough food just in case?

We would like to keep a relationship with them, we’re just not sure how to best navigate the non-responses. – An Organized but Frustrated Host

Depends. Do you want to win, or gather?

The etiquette angle here is a no-brainer. Their nonresponses to your invitations and voice mails and texts and emails are as rude and passive-aggressive as it gets. If these were friends of yours, I’d be saying right about now that these aren’t really friends of yours.

The family angle here is a no-brainer. You set a Father’s Day dinner for your dad without clearing the time with his son? Really?

If I had to guess (which I don’t, but will anyway, because I’m in a bomb-throwing kind of mood), I’d say you’re looking at a sister-in-law who is bent out of shape over mistreatment real or perceived, by you specifically or by your family in general, and is using these occasions as her proverbial duel at dawn. So far, your response has been to clean your pistol and set your alarm, under the faultlessly polite guise of “planning” and “ask[ing] for an RSVP.”

Maybe it’s more 10-foot-pole than pistol, but, no matter. It’s still not the kind, compassionate or mature answer. The answer is to treat your brother and sister-in-law as family, and not guests. It’s to talk to your brother – “Hey, let’s figure out a way to handle these family events that works for both of us, because the current standoff is ridonkulous” – instead of relying on grudge reports from third parties.

And, mainly, it’s to loosen your grip on Your Way of Doing Things and consider a more flexible way to handle the events you host.

When you want to host a family-centric gathering, CALL YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER-IN-LAW, for the love of lasagna, and yes, I’m screaming. Ask them if Saturday the nth works for a celebration of so-and-so’s birthday.

It may be they’re too invested in this grudge to let go so easily. That would be unfortunate, but also out of your reach. You can only fix your half of it – which begins, as always, with admitting it’s there.