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The Slice: At Lodge, no news means good news

Mon., July 8, 2013, midnight

It’s time for the Marmot Lodge’s annual report.

Not much has changed since our fraternal order’s founding in the summer of 2007. But let’s run the numbers.

Meetings held: 0.

Dues requirements: 0.

Misappropriation of funds scandals: 0.

Sex scandals: 0.

Disciplinary hearings involving conduct of the sergeant-at-arms: 0.

Parents angry because their kid did not receive a lodge scholarship: 0.

Social functions involving too much beer and underage exotic dancers: 0.

Parade floats: 0.

Secret handshakes exchanged: 1.

Softball teams sponsored: 0.

Volunteer hours required: 0.

Disputes over who will bring the potato salad to the annual picnic: 0.

Annual picnics: 0.

What to say to a kid who announces she/he wants to be a veterinarian: 1. “Cool. That’s absolutely one of the best things a person can be.” 2. “Well, your grades need to improve. A lot.” 3. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into a vet school?” 4. “Are you prepared to incur a serious amount of debt to pay for your education and then confront the reality of relatively modest compensation expectations?” 5. “Fine. But if you think liking furry animals is all it takes, there’s a good chance you are not smart enough to fulfill your laudable dream.” 6. “The fact that you want to help our fellow creatures who cannot talk to us about their symptoms makes me want to give you a hug. But you are aware, aren’t you, that not every story involving sick, injured or abused pets has a happy ending?” 7. “Go for it.”

Actors you don’t usually like: Karen Buck said she finds Russell Crowe and Billy Bob Thornton repulsive. But she thought the former was perfect for his role in “Les Miserables” and that the latter was good in “Armageddon.”

Ordinarily, Debbie Miller can’t take Jack Nicholson. But she gives a thumbs-up to his performance in “Mars Attacks!”

Warm-up question: Anyone ever been carded after insisting he or she is eligible for the 55-or-older discount?

Today’s Slice question: Any thoughts about the way people with asthma are portrayed in movies?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Some of those who had a perfectly fine weekend don’t feel a need to recount it at length.

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