Hi, Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for two years.
He is choosing not to go on a vacation with my family. I am incredibly hurt and angry about this. He says he can’t afford it, but this makes no sense considering his income and expenses. It would only require him to take two days off, which he’s said he could do.
I have explained to him how important it is to me that he attends. My family is very important to me, and thus far in our relationship I have cut back on a lot of family time because he doesn’t seem to enjoy it. We have been on two trips with his family, including a two-week overseas trip.
He’s just not getting how important family is to me and how much I want him to be a part of that. Is this something I should just get over and go without him? – Anonymous
Who’s “just not getting” whom?
He has told you through his demeanor, actions and choices over two years that he doesn’t embrace your family as his own. It’s not the idea of family he resists, since he’s tight with his.
Again – this isn’t me saying this stuff, it’s your boyfriend. There’s no message to interpret, there are just days, dollars and results. The one thing you haven’t yet acquired as proof of his lack of interest in embracing your family is his admission of this to your face.
Instead, it’s time to figure out just what you’d do if he did finally confess.
Would you go back with a fresh round of pleading? If you hit the same wall, then what?
Would you resign yourself to having to “cut back on a lot of family time” as a sad but reasonable price for someone you otherwise feel lucky to have at your side?
Or would you decide this one life vision – where your companion is an eager addition to your family, instead of an alternative to it – is nonnegotiable, and break up with this guy?
Whatever it is, that’s your next step.