July 30, 2013 in City

Clark: Fagan fight a tempest in a C-cup

By The Spokesman-Review
 

Doug Clark
(Full-size photo)

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It’s always such a drag coming back from vacation.

Not only do I have to start thinking about committing some actual work, but there’s the chore of ridding my computer mailbox of the bazillion garbage emails that crawled in while I was off still not catching fish at the lake.

Jerks selling things. Hucksters wanting free publicity. People inviting me to connect with them on LinkedIn, whatever the hell that is.

Politicians looking for …

GREAT GALLOPING GARBANZO BEANS!!!

Some pervert sent me photographs of nubile, near-naked young women.

Wait a second. This email did not come from a pervert.

This email came from the office of Spokane City Councilman Mike Fagan, who wanted to brief me on the fleshy activities at the XXXtreme Espresso stand on Northwest Boulevard.

This may be a new low in City Hall correspondence.

Not to dance on former Mayor Jim West’s grave. But for all his peculiarities, Mayor West always had the decency to use the telephone whenever he asked someone out for a naked swim.

Ah, but I know what Fagan is up to, of course.

This is all part of the great Anal Cleft consternation that Fagan stirred up while I was away.

I had never heard of the term “anal cleft” until Fagan exposed me to it. Then again, why would I?

As a lifelong musician, I spend my time pondering the treble clef.

As was reported, Fagan is working on an ordinance designed to save the morality of Spokane’s caffeine addicts.

The councilman vowed in our story that he would force the owners of java jiggle joints to “move your business to a certain zone, or you put on more clothes.”

I feel safer already.

As long as Fagan’s at it, however, I’d like to see him add a section that would ban government representatives from sending shocking emails to unsuspecting members of the media, especially if they are in their declining years and could very well have a heart attack.

To be honest, I did consider driving to XXXtreme to check out Fagan’s hiccup in a coffee cup. So I guess I should thank him for bringing the bosomy barista babes to me.

“These recent photos (attached to this email) are taken directly off local business face book pages (photos are recent),” Fagan’s legislative assistant Sheryl McGrath wrote in the aforementioned letter to me.

The photos – three of them – show two women wearing nothing but pasties and G-strings only slightly larger than the ones on my guitars.

I’m presuming these lasses are comely, but because their faces have been blacked out I’ll never know.

I believe we all have a question to ask Councilman Fagan:

Is this really worth any of your time?

We denizens of the Lilac City don’t ask for a whole lot from our leaders.

Fill the potholes. Keep the buses running. Don’t steal more than you can carry. That’s about it.

We don’t need any new bikini barista behavior laws.

The average Spokane resident has sense enough to know what he or she will be getting when he or she drives into an espresso stand that bears the name “XXXtreme.”

You know what really kills me about all this? Fagan claims he’s a libertarian.

From what I’ve heard, libertarians are all about less government intrusion into our miserable lives.

That means fewer regulations, especially those that involve the size of pasties that cover the breasts of some woman who grinds beans for a living.

In the end, though, receiving photographs of curvaceous near-nude women from the office of City Councilman Fagan isn’t the worst thing in the world.

At least they weren’t pictures of Anthony’s Weiner.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.

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