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Guests who are like family should help out

Fri., March 8, 2013

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a large, extended circle of friends who are essentially like family. We also have a large, conveniently located home and frequently have overnight guests. It’s not uncommon for a weekend breakfast to include a dozen or more people.

I love cooking for and serving that many guests, but I find the cleanup also winds up falling to me. The results are that instead of spending my day socializing with our guests, I end up in the kitchen, cooking one meal, cleaning up from it, and then beginning preparations for the next.

Is there a polite way to encourage guests to help out? Under the circumstances, is it appropriate to ask for their help?

GENTLE READER: A stalwart defender of freely given hospitality, Miss Manners nevertheless recognizes a difference between sometime guests and the like-family sort.

Certainly, dinner guests should never be asked to help. If they want to be helpful, they can answer invitations immediately, refrain from stating their food likes and dislikes, show up on time, socialize cheerfully and leave on time.

Like-family is, however, a different category. Friends who qualify have the privilege of proposing their own visits – subject, of course, to the convenience of the hosts – but they also have added responsibility.

Your excuse for asking for help should be that you want to spend more time with your guests. You could take aside a particularly close friend and confide that the work is getting you down a bit, considering that you miss much of the fun; your apparent helplessness, plus the implied threat that you might be closing down, should lead that person to suggest organizing a rotating system so that no one gets left out all the time.

With any luck, this will produce shame, not only in the organizer but in everyone, and you will be approached to design that sign-up sheet.

The risk you take is that they will all pile into the kitchen, having a wonderful time, while you rest alone in the living room.


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