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Clark: Bloomsday shows how Spokane is fat-man friendly, too

Tue., May 7, 2013, midnight

I was watching Bloomsday 37 unfold on TV Sunday morning while lolling on my couch eating buttered bagels with cream cheese.

All of a sudden this warm and tasty feeling about my hometown welled up inside me.

“You know,” I said to myself between chews, “Spokane’s a great place to be fat.”

I say this as a longtime member of the Spobese.

But I find it positively inspiring to live in such an outdoorsy and athletic-minded community that is mostly non-judgmental of its plus-sized and sedentary counterparts.

True, this tolerance from the skinny contingent may have more to do with a survival instinct rather than any sense of charity.

Look, I read the paper on Monday.

I know that “More than 47,000” people participated in the “Bloomsday experience.”

Bully for all of you.

And may your chafed nipples heal like the wind.

I’ve logged a lot of research on this topic. And by research I mean looking in the mirror after my showers and checking out shoppers during trips to Costco.

This research leads me to believe that we flabbies outnumber you anorexic Bloomies by ton-to-one.

In nature this would be like a large herd of lean, light-footed gazelles living among a billion or so hefty hippos.

How foolish it would be for said gazelles to make the hippos feel bad by calling them names like “lardzilla,” say, or “hippo-bottomus”?

Gazelles have quick and nimble on their side. But the numerically superior hippos would eventually waddle them all into a corner and CRUSH THEM LIKE ANTS!!

Sorry. There’s no sense bringing violence into this.

I just get annoyed all the time hearing about what I should and shouldn’t eat, which has little to do with what I want to eat.

Currently, the federal government has decided that human beings should plan all of their meals based on a healthy food pyramid that consists of lentils and roughage on the bottom with a tofu burger at the top.

Not this guy. I still believe in those old-fashioned Essential Food Groups, which are …

1. Dairy Queen.

2. Nougat.

3. Bacon.

4. Cheetos (the crunchy kind).

There are a few tradeoffs for eating this way, of course, like not being able to see my shoes.

But that’s why God made those long shoehorns with the springy end.

I’m thanking my Lucky Charms that the Lilac City has shown no signs of turning into one of those nutritional nanny places like New York City.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg, for example, made a lot of news by trying to put legal limits on what New Yorkers could pour down their cake holes.

His plan was to ban giant sugary sodas. It failed, however, thanks to the New York State Supreme Court, which overturned Bloomberg’s draconian rule.

But anyone who thinks this meddler might’ve learned anything from this is crazy.

If there’s one thing a sawed-off busybody like Bloomberg can’t stomach, it’s letting people mind their own business.

The Bloombergs of the world always know better.

Here in Spokane (knock-knock) I’ve seen no signs of Bloombergism.

Oh, I am a little worried about Spokane Mayor David Condon’s move to fill City Hall with armed guards.

But so far this seems like the typical paranoia that Spokane mayors are famous for. I could be wrong, but I don’t think Condon’s the type who would try to interfere with my constitutional right to scarf all the Milk Duds I want.

But what if I’m wrong?

What if Condon – deluded perhaps by fantasies of a second term – decided to go Bloomberg on us?

I can see it now …

• The brothers Domini are ordered to scale back their delicious meatwiches from football-sized to hockey pucks.

• Spokane’s fast-food workers are banned from asking customers, “Would you like that Biggie-Sized?”

• The Dick’s Whammy is reborn as the Wimpy.

• Cyrus O’Leary’s pies are now made low-fat and sugar-free.

• The Longhorn barbecue goes vegan.

Message to Condon: Leave us hippos be!

Glad I got that off of my chest.

You know, all this talk about eating right has really worked up the ol’ appetite. So in honor of Bloomsday, I think I’ll sprint to the fridge and engage in some serious carbo-loading.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at


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