May 7, 2013 in Features

The Slice: Time to reassess cat position

By The Spokesman-Review
The Spokesman-Review photo

Paul Turner, Spokesman-Review columnist.
(Full-size photo)

Today The Slice presents a transcript of an interview with the Spokane area’s biggest cat hater.

You won’t believe what he had to say.

Q: So what have you got against cats?

A: What’s to like? They kill birds and, unlike dogs, they refuse to recognize me as their lord and high master.

Q: Have you ever tried to pet a cat?

A: Yes. I’m just lucky I had a good supply of Band-aids handy.

Q: Can you see how some people would get a kick out of a feline’s skeptical nature?

A: No. What I want from a pet is unconditional worship – not dirty looks and disdainful meows that say “What a maroon.”

Q: So you don’t watch kitten videos on the Internet?

A: No. I am not mentally ill, if that’s what you are asking.

Q: Has a cat ever given you a shin rub?

A: Yes, but it was all a ruse. When that tabby discovered I had no tuna, he told me to get lost.

Q: Ever dated women who had cats?

A: Yes. They all hated me. The cats, I mean. Well, eventually, the women, too.

Q: Have you ever wondered why so many people adore cats?

A: Yes. Total mystery to me. If I wanted to live with creatures that ignored me whenever they felt like it, I would get married and have kids.

Q: You don’t think they’re sort of cute?

A: Well, I liked Sylvester’s son in the cartoons. “Oh, Faaahther.” That cracked me up.

Q: Do you realize that many cats in Spokane get euthanized because there are no homes for them?

A: Yes. It’s a sad statistic that should shame the irresponsible pet owners in our midst. Why do you ask?

Q: Just thinking. Have you ever had a cat sit next to you on the couch while you’re watching TV or give you a head-butt when you were feeling blue?

A: No. I guess that would be OK.

Q: Are you familiar with relationships where one person pays the bills but someone else is actually in charge?

A: You mean like my parents? Look, I see where you are headed here. I don’t need a cat. Trust me.

Q: But what if one needs you?

A: That never crossed my mind until now.

Today’s Slice question: Are you a good kisser?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email The loudest laugh in Whitman County belongs to …

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