Today The Slice presents a transcript of an interview with the Spokane area’s biggest cat hater.
You won’t believe what he had to say.
Q: So what have you got against cats?
A: What’s to like? They kill birds and, unlike dogs, they refuse to recognize me as their lord and high master.
Q: Have you ever tried to pet a cat?
A: Yes. I’m just lucky I had a good supply of Band-aids handy.
Q: Can you see how some people would get a kick out of a feline’s skeptical nature?
A: No. What I want from a pet is unconditional worship – not dirty looks and disdainful meows that say “What a maroon.”
Q: So you don’t watch kitten videos on the Internet?
A: No. I am not mentally ill, if that’s what you are asking.
Q: Has a cat ever given you a shin rub?
A: Yes, but it was all a ruse. When that tabby discovered I had no tuna, he told me to get lost.
Q: Ever dated women who had cats?
A: Yes. They all hated me. The cats, I mean. Well, eventually, the women, too.
Q: Have you ever wondered why so many people adore cats?
A: Yes. Total mystery to me. If I wanted to live with creatures that ignored me whenever they felt like it, I would get married and have kids.
Q: You don’t think they’re sort of cute?
A: Well, I liked Sylvester’s son in the cartoons. “Oh, Faaahther.” That cracked me up.
Q: Do you realize that many cats in Spokane get euthanized because there are no homes for them?
A: Yes. It’s a sad statistic that should shame the irresponsible pet owners in our midst. Why do you ask?
Q: Just thinking. Have you ever had a cat sit next to you on the couch while you’re watching TV or give you a head-butt when you were feeling blue?
A: No. I guess that would be OK.
Q: Are you familiar with relationships where one person pays the bills but someone else is actually in charge?
A: You mean like my parents? Look, I see where you are headed here. I don’t need a cat. Trust me.
Q: But what if one needs you?
A: That never crossed my mind until now.
Today’s Slice question: Are you a good kisser?