Anchored putter ruination of golf? Slouch says fiddlesticks

As a former golfer – I’ll get back to that momentarily – I am appalled and aghast by the latest ruling that will ban an “anchored putter.”

This means that players such as recent major-title winners Keegan Bradley, Webb Simpson, Ernie Els and Adam Scott no longer can hold the butt end of their clubs against their chest, belly or chin while stroking the ball.

(If there were a similar rule governing conjugal relationships, half the honeymoons in America would be over before the first night ended.)

The distinguished men at the United States Golf Association and the Royal & Ancient have decided that to “protect and preserve the game and its challenges” and to maintain and uphold the spirit and integrity of golf, it is essential to ensure the “free swing of the entire club.”

To which I respectfully respond:

Fiddlesticks.

1. We have a saying in the Old Country, “How I swing my club is nobody’s damn business.”

2. Incidentally, how exactly was the spirit and integrity of the game served for generations by white-only golf clubs?

Interestingly, this is a sport where you can do the old “lift, clean and place” business, but you can’t adopt a different putting stance.

As for protecting and preserving the game and its challenges, one must wonder about the addition of titanium drivers – titanium is so powerful Arnold Schwarzenegger adds it to his cereal every morning – and golf balls that act more like Super Balls. Heck, Tiger Woods probably can drive the 10th green at Riviera these days from Pebble Beach.

Apparently, the technology can change but the times can’t. Speaking of which …

Q. Is the Royal & Ancient hopelessly out of touch with the game?

A. Uh, their name is Royal & Ancient. Duh.

If the fine folks at the USGA and R&A could peddle their tired wares elsewhere, the two-handed backhand in tennis and the roll-it-with-both-hands approach in bowling might be the stuff of fantasy. And the Fosbury Flop in the high jump? Never would’ve happened.

So I have several questions for the USGA and the R&A:

• Do the rules prevent a player from getting hypnotized before every putt?

• Do the rules prevent a player from stroking the ball while holding the putter between his teeth and swinging the club by shaking his noggin?

• Do the rules prevent a player from getting down on his knees and putting?

• Do the rules prevent a player from standing on his head and addressing the ball?

• And if a player did Michael Jackson’s moon walk and shouted out, “Swing low, sweet chariot!” before hitting a tee shot, would that be disallowed?

You see, I believe the expression, “Different strokes for different folks,” actually applies first and foremost to golf. We should encourage new attempts to improve one’s game, and if that involves an innovative swing or an anchored long putter, Couch Slouch rises from the sofa in support.

By the way, whether you agree or disagree with Rule 14-1b, almost everyone finds one part of the anchored-stroke stoppage preposterous – it doesn’t take effect until January 2016. Hmm. If this element is so destructive to the game, why wouldn’t you ban it, like, yesterday?

(Imagine our forefathers saying: “We have determined that murder is a crime, so we will outlaw it, effective 2½ years from today; until then, you can continue to murder.”)

Alas, all of this reminds me of when I stopped playing golf – as a teenager.

True story: I was at Needwood Golf Course in Derwood, Md., when, winding up another horrendous round, I found the water hazard on the 18th hole for the umpteenth time. I proceeded to toss my offending 5 iron into the drink and proclaimed, “I won’t be needing that club ever again because I’m not playing ever again.” I kept my word.

And, you know, for almost 40 years now, that club has been anchored – yes, anchored – to the bottom of that lake, which means that, come January 2016, I have to go fish it out or the USGA might reverse my self-ban on playing.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Did the IRS 501(c)(3) section immediately grant your poker-playing entity non-profit status based on your previous won-lost record without waiting to ask your political leanings? (Tony Dibiase; Damascus, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Is it true that neither the Justice Department nor any MLB franchise has ever sought the phone records of the Chicago Cubs’ director of player personnel? (Michael A. Becker; Clayton, Mo.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. With the way the Seattle Mariners are playing, do you feel it is safe to say they can eliminate the need for the disclaimer about rebroadcasting the games? (Mike Hall; Spokane)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If the Heat and the Spurs make the NBA Finals, will they both rest their stars on the other’s court? (Mark Evenson; Fargo, N.D.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.