Holy molar, amigos!
It’s me – Mr. Tooth Decay.
Can you believe it? Five long years have crawled by since our last time together.
But once again, Doug Clark has graciously agreed to let me take over his column.
Like he had a choice. Mr. Tooth Decay made it pretty clear: Take the day off, Clark, or I’m posting all of your embarrassing pictures online.
His dental X-rays, I mean.
Frankly, this guy’s choppers contain more silver than Shoshone County.
Mr. Tooth Decay and Clark have been close buds ever since the 1950s, when young Doug’s favorite food groups were Sugar Pops, Sugar Smacks and Sugar Jets.
But Mr. Tooth Decay isn’t here to talk about the small fortune Clark’s parents paid to Dr. Mayo Erickson and his high-speed dental drill.
Mr. Tooth Decay is here to spread the good news about last week’s big vote in Portland.
More than 60 percent of the voters said NO to a scheme to fluoridate the Portland water supply.
Thanks to these brave citizens, Portland will keep its unique status as America’s largest city without fluoride in the water.
Not to mention that Portland also tops the list of “Least Deodorant-Using Cities,” too.
But getting back to the subject, the Inland Empire’s fluoride fighters should be feeling some real solidarity from this Portland vote.
Spokane voters beat back efforts to fluoridate the water supply in 1969, 1984 and 2000.
And Mr. Tooth Decay is still stoked about what happened in Sandpoint three years ago, when the City Council voted 4-2 to STOP adding fluoride to the civic water system.
Just thinking about Spokane, Sandpoint and Portland makes Mr. Tooth Decay ache with joy.
As always, these fluoride battles boil down to two distinct and divided camps.
Those on the pro-fluoride side spout grandiose claims, like …
Dentists and doctors overwhelmingly favor fluoride. Fluoride is a proven cavity-fighter, especially for poor kids who don’t get regular dental care.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ranks fluoridated water as No. 9 on the 20th century’s top 10 greatest health achievements.
Mr. Tooth Decay and his friends prefer a more emotional approach to this issue, such as …
Fluoride caused 9/11. Fluoride’s what addle-pated poor Cousin Jed.
Fluoride rhymes with cyanide.
And Mr. Tooth Decay’s personal favorite:
If God wanted fluoride in the water he wouldn’t have built so many fine denture clinics.
Mr. Tooth Decay doesn’t want to be a buzz kill, but our war against fluoride is far from over.
As I write these words, fluoride is still being pumped into the municipal waters of nearly all of our biggest cities.
New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Philly, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, Dallas …
Hell, even Cheney has fluoridated water, for crying out loud.
It’s enough to give a guy the shakes.
People need to wake up and realize that fluoride is really a threat to our personal freedoms.
You know, like …
Freedom from brushing. Freedom from flossing.
Freedom to soak your false teeth overnight in a glass by your bed.
And, yes, we all know that every town already puts chlorine in the water. Please, let’s not go down that road.
We’ll let Mr. Diarrhea write that column some other day.