November 22, 2013 in Features

The Slice: Unplugged pilgrims never knew such perils

By The Spokesman-Review
 

Let’s go right to…

Today’s Slice question: What would happen if you proposed an electronics ban to be enforced at your Thanksgiving gathering? A) There would be rioting, complete with looting and torched storefronts and parked cars. B) Sixteen different relatives would take to social media to slander me in all sorts of colorful ways. C) I would be fired from the family.

D) Wailing and gnashing of teeth. E) Would this include turning off the TVs? If so, I would face multigenerational blowback. F) I would be strapped into the back seat of the family truckster and promptly driven to Eastern State Hospital.

G) My daughter would get up close, peer into my eyes and ask, “What color is the sky in your world?” H) A plan would be hatched that involved secretly sedating me next Thursday morning. I) We have an electronics ban every Thanksgiving, so it would not be a big deal.

J) I would be struck about the head and shoulders. K) Someone would propose banning me. L) People would glance up from their various devices, blink a couple of times, and then return their gaze to their digital addictions.

M) There would be talk of tar and feathers. N) Someone would smile and say, “You’re talkin’ crazy.” O) My proposal would be deleted without comment.

P) It would get ugly. Q) Certain members of the extended family would take “sullen” to an all-new level. R) The smokers would enjoy seeing others squirm.

S) There would be betting pools established re: who could or could not go without their portable screens for a few hours. T) It would emphasize that we have forgotten how to converse. U) The proposal would be greeted with loud, sustained laughter.

V) I would be asked if I intended to collect phones at the door like the Key Master at the party in “Say Anything.” W) People would plan to evade the ban by camping out in the bathroom. X) Vegetarians would no longer be the ones blamed for complicating everything.

Y) Lots of “cold turkey” humor. Z) Other.

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Coming in Saturday’s Slice: Readers make the case that their cats are smart.


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